Lovin' Life

Good Evening! Hope everyone is doing well. We are doing great. Ellis is out of school this week and I am only working two days. How awesome is that? I am excited to spend time with my sweet hubby and get a few projects done around the house. We are going to finish touching up our bathroom this week and then I will post pictures of our bedroom and our bathroom that we have redone. It looks so awesome. I am ready to paint our whole house, but that will be a project that will take a while. I think that's part of the fun of owning your own home. You can dress it up however you want. We have had a great week-end. I started doing weight watchers almost 3 weeks ago and Ellis has been working out with me. I am trying to lose weight and get back into shape after having Gavin. He is a great trainer and encourager. So yesterday we ran and worked out, took the dogs to the dog park, bathed both dogs, and worked in the yard. It was beautiful outside. I love the beautiful weather. It reminds me of how beautiful the "days" are in heaven everyday and how my sweet Gavin always gets to experience such beauty. After all our hard work we enjoyed date night. We went out to dinner at the Outback Steakhouse and then to see the movie Just Go With It. It was a good movie. We had a great time together as usual. Today we went to Church and the worship service was great. Then we went over to my cousin Lisa's and grilled out with her and R.W. It was nice to see both of them as we haven't seen them much lately. This week we plan to workout hard and enjoy life. It's amazing how much fun you can have doing the little things when you try not to take things for granted. I hope you all enjoy your week. Be positive. Pray for the people in Japan and remember there is always someone worse off than you. Be thankful for the blessings God has given you.

Love to All,

Melissa

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I'm not sure how many of you have heard of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, but they are an organization who provides professional photography for free to families who are losing their baby. Ellis and I were blessed to have a photographer come to the hospital the day that Gavin passed away to take pictures of Gavin and of all three of us. She did an amazing job. If you are looking for an organization to donate to who really reaches out to help families this is a great one. They do a great job and their pictures are memories that will last a lifetime. I just received the CD of pictures in the mail from the photographer today so I can finally upload some on here. I hope you enjoy our family photos.

Love to All,

Melissa

My First Week Back at Work

This is the end of my first week back at work. I made it! I have only worked 4-6 hours on 3 different days, but that is a start. I've made a lot of progress from Monday to Thursday. Monday was HARD. Harder than I expected. I've learned through my experience with Gavin that you can't fully prepare yourself for what some experiences will be like. Monday was a very hard day for me for several reasons. You see the unit that I work in is also the unit where my sweet Gavin lived for his 11 days. While I am so thankful that Gavin was at Cook Children's and received the best care and the best chance at life, it is also hard for me because I have to go back there "empty handed" with only memories of Gavin. I didn't get to keep Gavin and take him home. So as I go back to work, it's not just work that I'm going back to. It's the place where most of my memories from my sweet Gavin took place. I see Gavin's primary nurses and doctors and it brings a smile to my face because I know those are the people who knew my Gavin well and who loved and cared for him so much. I see Gavin's bed space and it brings tears to my eyes because selfishly I wish he was still here with me. I go back to the NICU as a nurse, not as a mother to visit my sweet baby. These are just a few examples of the different emotions and feelings that I feel everyday. I have amazing coworkers who all have the best of intentions. They say hi and give me a hug, which I love. They make me feel welcomed and let me know that I have been missed. But the part that is hard is that some ask "how are you" or "are you okay" and they stand and wait and expect an answer. Those are generic questions unless you are a mom who lost her baby in that very unit. Those questions are hard for me, because as hard as I'm trying I'm not okay. I'm hurting. Although going back to work at Cook's in the NICU is something that I want to do, it hurts. Going back to work is a hurdle that I have to cross. I have to learn how to focus on my job and not my feelings and emotions while I'm there. I want to continue working in the NICU because I have an experience that most NICU nurses never have (thank God). I know what it's like to deliver a baby that is born early with multiple health problems who needs top of the line healthcare to even have the slightest chance at life. I know what its like to never be able change your baby's diaper, pick out his clothes, feed him, pick him up and hold him because he's crying and needs comfort that only his mommy can give him. I know what its like to feel helpless in the care of your baby. I know what its like to have to go home every single night that your baby is alive empty handed. I know what its like be the mom of the sickest baby in the NICU. I know what it's like to hold your baby for the first and the last time all at the same time. I know what its like to make a choice that a mom and dad should never have to make. I know what its like to have a premature baby who is an exception in this day and time who doesn't go home to mom and dad. I know all to well what its like to be a mom whose baby lived his entire short life in the NICU. I believe that God will allow me to use my experience with Gavin to relate and to help other moms in a way that no one else can. I want to glorify God through my experiences. I want to be a better nurse not only to my tiny patients but also to moms, dads, grandparents, and family members who are there to cheer on their special blessing from God each and everyday.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Our God Makes No Mistakes

Hope everyone's Monday got off to a good start. I had a rough morning this morning, but my afternoon and evening have been good. I had to go back to my OB for my 6 week appointment. I dreaded going this morning. Usually when I go, I have to wait awhile and there is a room full of pregnant women. Today God was looking out for me. I only had to wait in the waiting room for about 5 minutes and there was only 1 pregnant lady. It was a hurdle to cross, but I did it. This week is a busy week for Ellis and I. We are starting grief counseling on Wednesday and on Thursday we are going to meet with Gavin's doctor. We are hoping to get a diagnosis and some other information from her. Please pray for us this week as we are hoping to get answers regarding Gavin's condition and we are also hoping to find out if this condition is something that would happen again in future pregnancies. One of Gavin's primary nurses and one of my work friends posted a poem on my facebook wall that I would like to share:

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

your a precious and perfect unique design,

Called Gods special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

Your just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

and no matter how you may feel,

they were custom designed with Gods plan in mind,

and they bear the masters seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

and God wept that it hurt you so:

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Masters rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

This poem just reminds me of how great our God is and that He makes NO mistakes. It also reminds me that God chose Ellis and I to be blessed with Gavin. I am not sure why God chose us, but I know there is a purpose and I plan to do great things because of what I have been through and what I've learned from Gavin. It is amazing to me how even after he's gone, I still feel like I learn something new from his short time here almost everyday. Over the weekend the weather was beautiful here. I kept thinking about Gavin and how he has beautiful days everyday. Can you imagine having perfect and beautiful days every single day? He is a lucky guy. He is perfect and healed now. He is with the only One who could care for him better than Ellis and I. We still miss him so much and it's hard to believe that yesterday was one month since my sweet Gavin passed away. Of course it was a hard day, but it is so comforting in knowing that as Christians we don't have to say "goodbye", we get to say "see you later". I know one day I will see my sweet Gavin again. This brings comfort to me, as I continue to work through my feelings and emotions of losing him. Bundle up and stay warm. I know there is bad weather all over the country.

Love to all,

Melissa

I do not understand God, but I know God and I know God is good

I have started doing a Bible study with a close friend called Believing God. We have only been doing the study for two weeks, but so far it has been great. We planned on starting this study before Gavin was born, but Gavin came sooner than we expected. I feel like the timing for this study together has been perfect. I am so excited as I have begun to study the Bible more and try to enhance my knowledge of the Bible and God. I believe that Gavin has brought me closer to my God and I am forever grateful for that. I know that Gavin had a purpose and that in his short eleven days he was able to complete his purpose for his earthly life. The title of this blog has meant so much to me today. I heard this on the video that we watch for our Bible study and it just seemed to fit so perfectly to how I feel. Although I may never have a complete understanding of why Ellis and I were chosen for Gavin, I do know that my God is perfect. Throughout my life so many times I have thought that I have things all figured out, later to find out that I was so far from what was best for me. As the days, months, and years passed I was able to see that Gods plan for me was better than I could have ever imagined for myself. I know that Gods plan for our life is better than either Ellis or I can imagine. I pray that God turns our tragedy of losing our first born into something that will glorify Him. Thank God tonight for the blessings He has given you.

Love to all,

Melissa

Our New Season

When I began this blog, I had no idea how much the title would apply to our life. Since my last post life has changed a lot for us. Our sweet Gavin was born on December 19th. He was 13 weeks early and he weighed 2lbs6oz. We were only able to keep Gavin here with us for 11 days. His short little life was quite the roller coaster for us, but it was a ride that I wish would have lasted longer. On December 30th Gavin passed away while Ellis and I held him. We have been through a lot, but we have also learned a lot. Our sweet Gavin has taught us so much. We have lots of good memories of him, but also wish we had more. A few of my favorite memories are...Gavin holding his left hand out. We would put our finger in his hand and if he was feeling good he would squeeze your finger. We held his hand as much and as long as possible. On Christmas eve which is also Ellis' birthday, Gavin had a rough day, but he was doing better by the evening and the night nurse allowed Ellis to "hold" Gavin while she changed his linen. She also took our first family photo that night. On Christmas night I was able to "hold" Gavin while the same nurse changed his linen and also took a few more pictures for us. The memory that I cherish is being able to hold my sweet Gavin on December 30th prior to taking the breathing tube out. Ellis and I both held him. He opened his eyes a few times and we held his hand as we held him. He seemed so peaceful. This was one of the hardest days of my life, but I have peace knowing that our sweet Gavin was shown lots of love and affection as we said goodbye and he went to be with our Lord. I miss him so much and if it were up to me, I would still have my sweet baby here. We would have the opportunity that most parents take for granted and be able to change Gavin's diaper, pick out his outfit for the day, lay on the couch and snuggle with him, get up in the middle of the night every few hours and feed him, and do whatever we had to do to provide a life full of love for our sweet Gavin. Although I do not understand why we were chosen to go through this, I do know that Gavin has a perfect body right now, that he is peaceful, and that he never suffered. This whole "season" of our life has been extremely difficult, the hardest thing that I have ever went through in my life. I have good moments and bad moments, but I feel like that is normal for someone who has been through what I've been through in the last month. I experience several different emotions everyday ranging from crying, being angry, being sad, questioning why, but I also try to find a reason to smile. I thank God daily for my amazing husband who is my rock. He also has hard times, but he is always here for me and knows how to comfort me. I miss Gavin so much and I feel that a piece of my heart is missing, but I also know that the feelings may always be there. I thank God everyday for the amazing friends that I have. I pray that next time I see someone going through a struggle in life that I will reach out to them the way that they have all reached out to me. I don't think I could have made it through this without them. I am also so thankful that my parents were able to be here with us and with Gavin everyday he was here. They were able to bond with him and to get to know his sweet personality, and they too fell in love with him. They were a great blessing to us as they would get up early and go spend the mornings with Gavin. This allowed us to rest some and to know that someone was there loving on my sweet baby boy. It also pleases me to know that Gavin was able to meet all of his aunts and uncles. My brother was a huge help while he was hear the day of and the few days after Gavin passed away. I am also grateful for the nurses and doctors who cared for and loved Gavin. They provided him with a fair chance at life and did all they could for him. I pray that God will use this tragedy to His benefit. I know this post is long, but I wanted you all to know a little bit about our sweet Gavin. I have attached a few pictures so that you can see our sweet Gavin.

Love to all,

Melissa

MRI Results

We received the results from Gavin's MRI this week. According to the MRI Gavin does have a Dandy Walker variant with borderline ventriculomegally. He has had the borderline ventriculomegally (increased size of ventricles in the brain) since we first saw the perinatologist. I'm thankful that it hasn't worsened. Gavin's brain was otherwise normal in structure. Gavin's spine is normal which means that he does not have a neural tube defect. He has normal lungs and normal eye structures. He does still have the short femurs and humerus' bones in his arms and legs but the doctor does not think that he has a skeletal dysplasia (dwarfism). It was also noted on the MRI that Gavin has extra fluid around his neck and chin and that he has extra fluid in his abdomen. According to the report Gavin could have a bowel obstruction, but the doctor said that this could change because Gavin is still so young. The newest concern is that Gavin has Hydrops. Hydrops is extra fluid/swelling that occurs in the fetus. There are several different causes for this but we are unsure of why he has this. Hydrops can cause babies to be very sick at birth and some do not survive. Right now Gavin's heart size and function is normal which is very important with the Hydrops because the Hydrops can lead to heart failure. The only thing to do regarding the hyrdrops is to watch Gavin very closely with ultrasounds to make sure that it isn't getting worse. If the hydrops were to get severe then Gavin would have to be delivered early. I'm staying positive but I am scared for Gavin. We have an appointment scheduled for January with a neurosurgeon who will look at the ultrasounds and MRI results. Our doctor wants him to be informed about Gavin's Dandy Walker variant and borderine ventriculomegally. Thanks for all the prayers and please continue to pray for us and with us. I will continue to keep you posted as we find out new information. A sweet friend from work sent me a few Bible verses to encourage me as we go through this scary/stressful time. I thought that I would share them with you. Have a great week-end and stay warm.
Philipians 4:4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.
Love to All,
Melissa