This is the end of my first week back at work. I made it! I have only worked 4-6 hours on 3 different days, but that is a start. I've made a lot of progress from Monday to Thursday. Monday was HARD. Harder than I expected. I've learned through my experience with Gavin that you can't fully prepare yourself for what some experiences will be like. Monday was a very hard day for me for several reasons. You see the unit that I work in is also the unit where my sweet Gavin lived for his 11 days. While I am so thankful that Gavin was at Cook Children's and received the best care and the best chance at life, it is also hard for me because I have to go back there "empty handed" with only memories of Gavin. I didn't get to keep Gavin and take him home. So as I go back to work, it's not just work that I'm going back to. It's the place where most of my memories from my sweet Gavin took place. I see Gavin's primary nurses and doctors and it brings a smile to my face because I know those are the people who knew my Gavin well and who loved and cared for him so much. I see Gavin's bed space and it brings tears to my eyes because selfishly I wish he was still here with me. I go back to the NICU as a nurse, not as a mother to visit my sweet baby. These are just a few examples of the different emotions and feelings that I feel everyday. I have amazing coworkers who all have the best of intentions. They say hi and give me a hug, which I love. They make me feel welcomed and let me know that I have been missed. But the part that is hard is that some ask "how are you" or "are you okay" and they stand and wait and expect an answer. Those are generic questions unless you are a mom who lost her baby in that very unit. Those questions are hard for me, because as hard as I'm trying I'm not okay. I'm hurting. Although going back to work at Cook's in the NICU is something that I want to do, it hurts. Going back to work is a hurdle that I have to cross. I have to learn how to focus on my job and not my feelings and emotions while I'm there. I want to continue working in the NICU because I have an experience that most NICU nurses never have (thank God). I know what it's like to deliver a baby that is born early with multiple health problems who needs top of the line healthcare to even have the slightest chance at life. I know what its like to never be able change your baby's diaper, pick out his clothes, feed him, pick him up and hold him because he's crying and needs comfort that only his mommy can give him. I know what its like to feel helpless in the care of your baby. I know what its like to have to go home every single night that your baby is alive empty handed. I know what its like be the mom of the sickest baby in the NICU. I know what it's like to hold your baby for the first and the last time all at the same time. I know what its like to make a choice that a mom and dad should never have to make. I know what its like to have a premature baby who is an exception in this day and time who doesn't go home to mom and dad. I know all to well what its like to be a mom whose baby lived his entire short life in the NICU. I believe that God will allow me to use my experience with Gavin to relate and to help other moms in a way that no one else can. I want to glorify God through my experiences. I want to be a better nurse not only to my tiny patients but also to moms, dads, grandparents, and family members who are there to cheer on their special blessing from God each and everyday.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
