Our God Makes No Mistakes

Hope everyone's Monday got off to a good start. I had a rough morning this morning, but my afternoon and evening have been good. I had to go back to my OB for my 6 week appointment. I dreaded going this morning. Usually when I go, I have to wait awhile and there is a room full of pregnant women. Today God was looking out for me. I only had to wait in the waiting room for about 5 minutes and there was only 1 pregnant lady. It was a hurdle to cross, but I did it. This week is a busy week for Ellis and I. We are starting grief counseling on Wednesday and on Thursday we are going to meet with Gavin's doctor. We are hoping to get a diagnosis and some other information from her. Please pray for us this week as we are hoping to get answers regarding Gavin's condition and we are also hoping to find out if this condition is something that would happen again in future pregnancies. One of Gavin's primary nurses and one of my work friends posted a poem on my facebook wall that I would like to share:

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

your a precious and perfect unique design,

Called Gods special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

Your just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

and no matter how you may feel,

they were custom designed with Gods plan in mind,

and they bear the masters seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

and God wept that it hurt you so:

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Masters rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

This poem just reminds me of how great our God is and that He makes NO mistakes. It also reminds me that God chose Ellis and I to be blessed with Gavin. I am not sure why God chose us, but I know there is a purpose and I plan to do great things because of what I have been through and what I've learned from Gavin. It is amazing to me how even after he's gone, I still feel like I learn something new from his short time here almost everyday. Over the weekend the weather was beautiful here. I kept thinking about Gavin and how he has beautiful days everyday. Can you imagine having perfect and beautiful days every single day? He is a lucky guy. He is perfect and healed now. He is with the only One who could care for him better than Ellis and I. We still miss him so much and it's hard to believe that yesterday was one month since my sweet Gavin passed away. Of course it was a hard day, but it is so comforting in knowing that as Christians we don't have to say "goodbye", we get to say "see you later". I know one day I will see my sweet Gavin again. This brings comfort to me, as I continue to work through my feelings and emotions of losing him. Bundle up and stay warm. I know there is bad weather all over the country.

Love to all,

Melissa

I do not understand God, but I know God and I know God is good

I have started doing a Bible study with a close friend called Believing God. We have only been doing the study for two weeks, but so far it has been great. We planned on starting this study before Gavin was born, but Gavin came sooner than we expected. I feel like the timing for this study together has been perfect. I am so excited as I have begun to study the Bible more and try to enhance my knowledge of the Bible and God. I believe that Gavin has brought me closer to my God and I am forever grateful for that. I know that Gavin had a purpose and that in his short eleven days he was able to complete his purpose for his earthly life. The title of this blog has meant so much to me today. I heard this on the video that we watch for our Bible study and it just seemed to fit so perfectly to how I feel. Although I may never have a complete understanding of why Ellis and I were chosen for Gavin, I do know that my God is perfect. Throughout my life so many times I have thought that I have things all figured out, later to find out that I was so far from what was best for me. As the days, months, and years passed I was able to see that Gods plan for me was better than I could have ever imagined for myself. I know that Gods plan for our life is better than either Ellis or I can imagine. I pray that God turns our tragedy of losing our first born into something that will glorify Him. Thank God tonight for the blessings He has given you.

Love to all,

Melissa

Our New Season

When I began this blog, I had no idea how much the title would apply to our life. Since my last post life has changed a lot for us. Our sweet Gavin was born on December 19th. He was 13 weeks early and he weighed 2lbs6oz. We were only able to keep Gavin here with us for 11 days. His short little life was quite the roller coaster for us, but it was a ride that I wish would have lasted longer. On December 30th Gavin passed away while Ellis and I held him. We have been through a lot, but we have also learned a lot. Our sweet Gavin has taught us so much. We have lots of good memories of him, but also wish we had more. A few of my favorite memories are...Gavin holding his left hand out. We would put our finger in his hand and if he was feeling good he would squeeze your finger. We held his hand as much and as long as possible. On Christmas eve which is also Ellis' birthday, Gavin had a rough day, but he was doing better by the evening and the night nurse allowed Ellis to "hold" Gavin while she changed his linen. She also took our first family photo that night. On Christmas night I was able to "hold" Gavin while the same nurse changed his linen and also took a few more pictures for us. The memory that I cherish is being able to hold my sweet Gavin on December 30th prior to taking the breathing tube out. Ellis and I both held him. He opened his eyes a few times and we held his hand as we held him. He seemed so peaceful. This was one of the hardest days of my life, but I have peace knowing that our sweet Gavin was shown lots of love and affection as we said goodbye and he went to be with our Lord. I miss him so much and if it were up to me, I would still have my sweet baby here. We would have the opportunity that most parents take for granted and be able to change Gavin's diaper, pick out his outfit for the day, lay on the couch and snuggle with him, get up in the middle of the night every few hours and feed him, and do whatever we had to do to provide a life full of love for our sweet Gavin. Although I do not understand why we were chosen to go through this, I do know that Gavin has a perfect body right now, that he is peaceful, and that he never suffered. This whole "season" of our life has been extremely difficult, the hardest thing that I have ever went through in my life. I have good moments and bad moments, but I feel like that is normal for someone who has been through what I've been through in the last month. I experience several different emotions everyday ranging from crying, being angry, being sad, questioning why, but I also try to find a reason to smile. I thank God daily for my amazing husband who is my rock. He also has hard times, but he is always here for me and knows how to comfort me. I miss Gavin so much and I feel that a piece of my heart is missing, but I also know that the feelings may always be there. I thank God everyday for the amazing friends that I have. I pray that next time I see someone going through a struggle in life that I will reach out to them the way that they have all reached out to me. I don't think I could have made it through this without them. I am also so thankful that my parents were able to be here with us and with Gavin everyday he was here. They were able to bond with him and to get to know his sweet personality, and they too fell in love with him. They were a great blessing to us as they would get up early and go spend the mornings with Gavin. This allowed us to rest some and to know that someone was there loving on my sweet baby boy. It also pleases me to know that Gavin was able to meet all of his aunts and uncles. My brother was a huge help while he was hear the day of and the few days after Gavin passed away. I am also grateful for the nurses and doctors who cared for and loved Gavin. They provided him with a fair chance at life and did all they could for him. I pray that God will use this tragedy to His benefit. I know this post is long, but I wanted you all to know a little bit about our sweet Gavin. I have attached a few pictures so that you can see our sweet Gavin.

Love to all,

Melissa