Gavin's Due Date

Today is the day that Gavin was due. I think the best way to put today is as one of my best friends did today when she sent a sweet text message to check on me. Today is the day that you waited for for 6 months and the day that you have dreaded for the last 3 months. Oh how true that is. I know most babies are not born on their exact due date, but today signifies the day that Gavin would have been full term and ready for the world and he never made it to this point. He never got a chance at life as a full term baby. I'm saddened when I think and ponder all the what if's, but I know that I can't change what happened. I still know that God chose us for this even if I never understand it. To celebrate Gavin's life today we decided to plant a tree in his honor in our front yard. Kathy and Dale some of our close friends along with Lisa, Ellis, and I went to Home Depot to pick out Gavin's perfect tree. It's beautiful. It's a Bradford Pear tree and is pretty all year long. I love it and I love the memories that it will bring back when I see it. I have attached a few pictures of it. I plan on making copies of these pictures and adding them to Gavin's scrapbook. Please continue to pray for us as today has been a little rough for me. I wish that today I was planning for Gavin's birth, not planting a tree in his memory. I miss him so much and I know that people say that it gets easier, but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss my sweet baby. Hope you all enjoy the pictures of our very special tree.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's 3 Month Birthday

I intended to write this post yesterday, but I was way too busy getting ready for our company that we had last night. Yesterday Gavin would have been 3 months old. I can't believe it. I wish I was writing a post to tell everyone that Gavin is 3 months old and that he is getting close to coming home, but unfortunately I will never get to write those type of posts. So instead I've decided that today will be all about Gavin and 3's to represent his 3 month birthday.

My 3 favorite features about Gavin:

1. His adorable nose

2. His cute feet and long toes

3. His left hand that was perfect for holding

My 3 favorite memories about Gavin:

1. Delivering Gavin and hearing him cry for the first and only time

2. Visiting Gavin and holding his left hand everyday. We knew by how hard he squeezed our hand what type of day he was having.

3. Holding Gavin for the first time on Christmas while the nurse changed out his linen. Now that was the best Christmas present ever.

3 Things that Gavin taught me about life:

1. Life is NOT fair

2. God is good ALL the time

3. I am blessed to have the most amazing family and friends in the world. I mean who has friends that come running every time that your son is having a bad day including on Christmas and Christmas Eve just so they can be there for you? or Who has parents (from out of town) that would go up to the hospital every morning at 0730 to be with your son so that you and your husband could get a little more rest and then stay up there with you the whole day?

We are Blessed!

3 ways that Gavin has made me a better nurse:

1. I've realized how important it is to let the mom and dad participate in the care of their baby regardless of how sick he or she is.

2. I've learned to never judge anyone by the choices or decisions that they make for their baby. There were hard choices that Ellis and I were forced to make that no parent should ever have to make.

3. I've learned how important it is to help families make memories because you never know how long they will have with their sweet baby and to always advocate for the patient's that I take care of because they can't advocate for themselves.

3 things that I wish we never had to do but wouldn't trade:

1. Holding our sweet Gavin for the first and last time all at the same time.

2. Saying goodbye and showing Gavin all the love in the world in a few short hours as we held him while he went to be with God.

3. Only getting to spend 11 days with our sweet Gavin.

3 Bible Verses that I've learned to love:

1. Psalm 139

2.Philippians 4:7- And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.

3.Psalm 50:15- and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.

*It was really hard for me to choose just 3; there are so many that I've clung to over the last few months.

3 Sayings I now Love:

1.There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world.

2. You are who you are for a reason.
Youre part of an intricate plan.
your a precious and perfect unique design,
Called Gods special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
Your just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
and no matter how you may feel,
they were custom designed with Gods plan in mind,
and they bear the masters seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
and God wept that it hurt you so:
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Masters rod.
You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

3.I don't understand God, but I know God and I know God is good.

And of course I had to include only 3 of my favorite pictures (this was a hard choice)

I could go on and on about things that I've learned and experiences that I've had because of Gavin, but I said in the beginning that I would leave all the categories to 3's. That was much harder than I intended. Gavin taught me more than I could have ever imagined that he would. He was a very special little boy. As hard as it is, I feel blessed to know that God entrusted me and Ellis to take care of him for the few short days he was on this earth. I know we were chosen for him and he was chosen for us long before he was created.

Love to All,

Melissa

Toughest Day in a Long Time!

I have had a rough day today. It started on my way to work. I was teary eyed on my way so I decided to listen to my "Gavin" CD. It is a CD that I made with uplifting encouraging songs that remind me of my sweet baby. I got to work and began to get my assignment and things didn't get any better. One of the patient's I took care of had an extremely sad diagnosis. Her mother is a nurse, her parents are married, they loved and wanted her,they tried for her, and this was their first baby. Her papa came to stay with her for the morning just like Gavin's gma and pop did. Do you hear any similarities? I knew by 0730 that it was going to be a rough day. It is so hard for me when I have to take care of patient's who have genetic disorders. You see there were so many things about this sweet baby and her family that reminded me so much of Gavin and our family. I felt all the feelings and emotions coming back and it was hard. I went to the bathroom two different times and tried to "cry it out" a little bit and then late this afternoon it all came out and I began to sob at work. The charge nurse and my sweet manager worked it out so that I could go home early. I felt so bad leaving and I know that I have to be able to take care of this type of patient, but right now it is so hard for me. I thank God that I work at an amazing place where the people I work with are so understanding. I think that today has also been hard because Gavin's due date is this coming Monday. Although I know that I can't change things and I believe that things do happen for a reason even though I may not understand why, I still find myself asking what if I could have just kept Gavin in and protected him until he was full term. What would have happened? Would he have had an even better chance at life? I know that these what if's really do not matter because I can't change it, but as a mommy isn't it part of your job to protect your children? There are moments where I feel like a failure in that area. Gavin would be 3 months old on Saturday and we won't get to celebrate that. I know I will get through this tough time and that it will get easier. It's just one of those milestones that I have to cross. Please pray for strength for me over the next few days as I know they will be tough.

Love to all,

Melissa

Happy Hump Day!

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start. Ours is going well. As I mentioned in a previous post this is Ellis' spring break. We have enjoyed spending time together and getting a few things done around the house. We plan to finish our bathroom today, hang our ceiling fan in our room, and maybe fix up our flower bed in the front yard. I really enjoy being outside and working in the yard, so I am excited to get started on that. I'm hoping to get off work tomorrow. I signed up to be off if we are overstaffed (which we will be), so that means one more day I can spend with my sweet hubby. I can never get enough of that. One of my friends and I were talking on Monday, and I can't believe that on Saturday, my sweet Gavin would have been 3 months old. I can't believe that and I can't believe how much he continues to teach me. People would never think that a 2lb 12oz baby who never spoke could teach you so much, but oh he has and continues to. I feel like my patience are really being tested lately. We have been waiting on lab results since Gavin passed away, so that the pathologist can finish his autopsy report and hopefully then the doctors will have a diagnosis for Gavin. It has been two and a half months and we still don't have any answers. I know that these things can take time, but it is really hard to wait and to not know how to prepare for your future. Depending on Gavin's diagnosis will determine if we "try" again. I am praying for patience and understanding as I continue to wait. You would think that I would understand that things don't always go the way I want or plan, but that is a hard concept to grasp at times. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. I am going to count my blessings and enjoy mine.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Gift

I have a few stories that I would like to share with you about how my sweet Gavin is allowing me to reach out to others. A week ago, I had a patient at work who had just had unexpected surgery the day before. He was doing really well, but was still on a breathing machine. His mom came in to visit and I encouraged her to provide the cares (take the temperature and change the diaper) for her sweet baby boy. She was apprehensive at first, but highly encouraged her to do it and told her that I would not leave the bedside until she was done in case she needed help. She agreed to do it and of course she did a great job. I mean who can care for their baby better than a loving mother? Once we were done the mother and I began talking. Although I had never taken care of her son, I have seen her a lot. Through our conversation she asked me if I had any children. I felt comfortable with her and told her that I did have a son who was born premature with multiple health problems and that he only lived for 11 days. I explained to her that he was in the NICU there at Cook's. She told me that she had overheard me talking in the first days that I came back to work and thought that maybe I had this experience. I explained to her that it was very important to me that she had the opportunity to care for her baby, because I learned through my experience that the "little" things matter. She agreed and was thankful that I encouraged her to do her sons cares. We talked about how hard it is to feel like a "mom" when your baby is in the NICU. It was so awesome how I was able tell my story and to be able to understand just how this mom feels and offer her genuine encouragement. I never want to forget my sweet Gavin and the things he taught me and this was my first opportunity to share with another mom my experience. I know that I can't share my story with every family but it's awesome that I can with some.

This week I was also given the opportunity to share my story about Gavin. A nurse practioner that I work with who didn't know about Gavin asked me if I had my baby or when I was due (now lets not talk about me thinking that I hope I still don't look that pregnant). I began to tell her that I already had Gavin and that he had been here at Cook's and he didn't make it. I was once again able to tell our story. She became teary eyed and asked me questions and we were both teary eyed by the end of the conversation, but it felt good. Once she was done rounding on my patient she came back up to me and told me that she was going to try not to cry, but that she wanted me to know what an amazing person I am and how great it is that I want and will be able to help other families who go through just what my family went through. I smiled and my heart was happy. You see I was able to share my faith in God and how I believe that God allowed us to go through this experience for a reason and that I believe part of the reason is so we can help others who go through the same thing. I pray that God will continue to use me and show me ways to use our experience for His glory.

Lovin' Life

Good Evening! Hope everyone is doing well. We are doing great. Ellis is out of school this week and I am only working two days. How awesome is that? I am excited to spend time with my sweet hubby and get a few projects done around the house. We are going to finish touching up our bathroom this week and then I will post pictures of our bedroom and our bathroom that we have redone. It looks so awesome. I am ready to paint our whole house, but that will be a project that will take a while. I think that's part of the fun of owning your own home. You can dress it up however you want. We have had a great week-end. I started doing weight watchers almost 3 weeks ago and Ellis has been working out with me. I am trying to lose weight and get back into shape after having Gavin. He is a great trainer and encourager. So yesterday we ran and worked out, took the dogs to the dog park, bathed both dogs, and worked in the yard. It was beautiful outside. I love the beautiful weather. It reminds me of how beautiful the "days" are in heaven everyday and how my sweet Gavin always gets to experience such beauty. After all our hard work we enjoyed date night. We went out to dinner at the Outback Steakhouse and then to see the movie Just Go With It. It was a good movie. We had a great time together as usual. Today we went to Church and the worship service was great. Then we went over to my cousin Lisa's and grilled out with her and R.W. It was nice to see both of them as we haven't seen them much lately. This week we plan to workout hard and enjoy life. It's amazing how much fun you can have doing the little things when you try not to take things for granted. I hope you all enjoy your week. Be positive. Pray for the people in Japan and remember there is always someone worse off than you. Be thankful for the blessings God has given you.

Love to All,

Melissa