Toughest Day in a Long Time!

I have had a rough day today. It started on my way to work. I was teary eyed on my way so I decided to listen to my "Gavin" CD. It is a CD that I made with uplifting encouraging songs that remind me of my sweet baby. I got to work and began to get my assignment and things didn't get any better. One of the patient's I took care of had an extremely sad diagnosis. Her mother is a nurse, her parents are married, they loved and wanted her,they tried for her, and this was their first baby. Her papa came to stay with her for the morning just like Gavin's gma and pop did. Do you hear any similarities? I knew by 0730 that it was going to be a rough day. It is so hard for me when I have to take care of patient's who have genetic disorders. You see there were so many things about this sweet baby and her family that reminded me so much of Gavin and our family. I felt all the feelings and emotions coming back and it was hard. I went to the bathroom two different times and tried to "cry it out" a little bit and then late this afternoon it all came out and I began to sob at work. The charge nurse and my sweet manager worked it out so that I could go home early. I felt so bad leaving and I know that I have to be able to take care of this type of patient, but right now it is so hard for me. I thank God that I work at an amazing place where the people I work with are so understanding. I think that today has also been hard because Gavin's due date is this coming Monday. Although I know that I can't change things and I believe that things do happen for a reason even though I may not understand why, I still find myself asking what if I could have just kept Gavin in and protected him until he was full term. What would have happened? Would he have had an even better chance at life? I know that these what if's really do not matter because I can't change it, but as a mommy isn't it part of your job to protect your children? There are moments where I feel like a failure in that area. Gavin would be 3 months old on Saturday and we won't get to celebrate that. I know I will get through this tough time and that it will get easier. It's just one of those milestones that I have to cross. Please pray for strength for me over the next few days as I know they will be tough.

Love to all,

Melissa