Happy Monday!

Good Morning! I haven't updated the blog in a while so I thought I would do that first thing. Things are going great here in Texas. Ellis is done with summer school and will start the fall semester next week. He is doing awesome with school. He also will start a new job in mid September. He is going to be a care partner in the ER at Cook. He is excited to go back to work. We have had the last several days off together and have enjoyed each other's company. We went out to dinner with some good friends on Saturday night and really enjoyed it. Things are going really well for me. Work has been great. I have a few different opportunities to help other families due to my experiences with Gavin. It's an awesome feeling when you can use your tragedy to help someone else. There have been several times lately where I can see the good coming from my heartbreak of losing Gavin. I still miss him so much and think about him everyday, but I am now trying to use our story to help others. I feel like I am finally getting back to my "old" self in a lot of ways. Of course I will never be the same person that I was before Gavin and I am okay with that. I am hoping to be a better vessel for Christ. I feel happy and free once again. I don't feel so bogged down with all the sadness, guilt, and pain that I felt for many months. I know there will still be hard days and times and I also know that is okay. It's all part of the process. I am excited to start volunteering at the homeless shelter in downtown Fort Worth. I read a great book called "Same Kind of Different as Me". I highly recommend it. The book is based on a true story and the setting is here in Fort Worth. The book really opened my eyes and inspired me to volunteer at the homeless shelter. I hope you all have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa

Just wanted to post a quick update and let you all know that all of my lab work came back normal, which means I do NOT have an autoimmune disorder. This is the best news that we've received in a long time. We are so happy and so thankful. God is good! What all this means is with all the information that we now have regarding Gavin's condition, there is a 10% chance that we could have another baby with the same problems as Gavin. The reason that it is 10% is because once you have had a baby that has had some anomalies to the extent that Gavin did, you will always be considered to be at a higher risk. When we get pregnant again we will be followed very closely by both an OB doctor and a perinatologist. I know that time will be both exciting and terrifying, but I know that I serve a big God who will help me to handle it. Hope everyone has a great week-end.

Love to All,

Melissa

Moving On!

Good morning! I hope everyone is well. Things are going well for us. Ellis started a new summer session for school yesterday and has been busy with that so far. I have been off for the last few days and have been working on housework, laying out by the pool, and working out. I haven't posted in a while so I thought that I would give an update on how things are going here for us. Last Friday I had a doctor's appointment with an internal medicine doctor so that I can be worked up for autoimmune disorders. This is one of the things on our "checklist" since Gavin's passing to do to prepare us to make a decision on whether or not to try again. Due to Gavin's diagnosis the doctor's were concerned that I may have an autoimmune disorder specifically lupus that could have caused Gavin's problems. The doctor I met with on Friday was very thorough. He spent over an hour with me. He asked lots of questions, did a thorough physical exam, and took Gavin's reports home to study over the week-end. At the end of our meeting on Friday he told me that he did not feel that I have anything autoimmune, but that he would look over everything over the week-end and order labs. Sure enough his office called me yesterday and he had spoken with Gavin's doctor and ordered the labs. I went to the lab this morning and had the lab drawn and was told that the results should be back in 24-48 hours. About 10 different labs were ordered. I am thanking God for the good news from my exam and praying that all of my labs will come back normal. I am ready to finish up with the last thing on my checklist so that I can in a sense move on with life. For the last 7 months I have dealt with the passing of Gavin, but have also had a hard time in trying to move on. I don't mean move on as in forget about Gavin. I mean move on as in accept that this happened and know that God is in control and know that just because this happened once does not mean that it will happen again. I've felt a lot more positive lately and have had a peace about the autoimmune disorder. I've had a peace that I am normal and do not have any autoimmune disorder. In the beginning I was sure there had to be something wrong with me, but I'm realizing more and more that I did not cause this and that horrible things happen to good people. I believe that once I get all the lab work back that I will be able to move on in one way or another. My prayer is that I will be jumping up and down praising God that nothing is wrong with me, but if something does come back positive then it's also a time to learn how to deal with it and to move on. I am so thankful that I have a husband who is understanding. Although he is so understanding and supportive, I know that it is weighing on him because it has been hard for me to "move on with life". He is so positive and knows that God is always in control, that I think it's hard for him at times to understand why I'm not. I need to be more like him in this area. I don't know what I would do without him. He tells me I'd be crazy without him and he's probably right. I will keep you posted as I find out my lab results and "move on with life". I hope you all have a good week!

Love to All,

Melissa

Happy Father's Day!!

Happy Fathers Day to my sweet dad and my amazing husband. Today is one of those firsts that we have to get through and I feel like we are doing a pretty good job today. Today is also Gavin's 6 month birthday. I can't believe that it has already been six months since our sweet little boy came into this world and blessed our lives forever. I still miss him so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but I know that he is better now. I love him so much and I will never forget the short 11 days that I was able to spend with him. But today we are celebrating what an amazing dad Gavin has. Ellis is the most amazing father. He spent everyday of Gavin's life with him and I know that Gavin felt his love. From the time Gavin was born until the time he passed away, his daddy was there. Ellis was the first person that Gavin met. I know he knew from the time he was born that he was loved beyond measure. Ellis went over to Cook's shortly after they took Gavin over because we didn't want him to be there alone. We wanted him to feel the presence of his family and to know that he wasn't alone. There were a few evenings when Ellis stayed late at the hospital by himself so that he could spend some quality time with just Gavin. I am so happy that Ellis did that while he was able to. And one of my very favorite memories about Ellis and Gavin is when Ellis held him and sang to him the day we took Gavin off the ventilator. He sang to him about heaven and showed him the love that he had for him. What an amazing scene to have in my mind of my sweet baby and his amazing daddy.

Today is also the day that I thank God for the amazing dad that I have. My dad has always been there for me my entire life. I have always been a daddy's girl and I still am. Not only is my dad an amazing father, but he is also an amazing grandpa. Gavin was so blessed to know him. In his short little life, Gavin was able to spend time with his grandpa every morning. Gavin's gma and pop would go up to the hospital every morning around 730 and spend time with him and then they would stay the entire day with us at the hospital. I know that Gavin blessed his grandpa's life, but I believe that Gavin was also blessed by his grandpa. I love my dad so much and I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing man as my dad.

I hope everyone enjoys their day.

Love to all,

Melissa

Our 2 Year Anniversary and other randomness!

This week has been a good week for us. Monday was our 2 year anniversary. We had a great day celebrating our life together. We had a picnic at the park where Ellis proposed, went to the movies, walked around the mall, and just enjoyed each other. It was great. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. I thank God for my awesome husband everyday. I can't imagine going through all that we've been through in the last several months all alone or with someone else. Ellis is so positive and optimistic. He is hopeful when I have no hope. He knows what I need from him without me telling him. He is an amazing person and I am so blessed to have him as my husband. In other news I have been on a diet for the last two weeks and it is going well. Since I've been on it I've lost 3lbs (which isn't a lot), but I've lost 2 inches in my hips and 1.5 inches in my waist. I can now fit into the clothes I wore before I got pregnant with Gavin. That makes me so happy and gives me the encouragement to keep going. I needed to lose weight before I got pregnant with Gavin so I am hoping to keep losing weight and to get in shape. One of the doctor's that I work with has been helping me try to find an immunologist to go see to get tested for autoimmune disorders. I am so thankful to have her help. I am trying to find an immunologist at UT Southwestern because we feel that an academic immunologist will be the most up to date on current research and trends and will be the most beneficial for me to go to if I do indeed have some type of autoimmune disorder. Of course my prayer is that I don't and my goal is to check off the list of things that I need to be tested for and for them all to be negative. As much as I would love to have a specific answer for why this happened to Gavin, I don't want the answer to be that something is wrong with my body. The only two options left are that it was a "fluke" or I have some sort of autoimmune disorder. I'll take the "fluke". I am ready for closure, but realistically that won't happen for awhile. I've learned a lot about patience over the last several months and I don't remember asking for patience (lol), but I should be the most patient person in the world when this whole ordeal is over. Next week Ellis will have a job interview for a prn anesthesia tech position. I am hoping and praying that he gets this position. He really wants it. I have a good feeling about it. He will also be going to summer school this summer too, so he will be busy. I hope you all have a great weekend.

Love to all,
Melissa

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there especially my own. I have the most amazing mom in the world. God blessed me with a mom who has always been here for me no matter what. I've seen her unconditional love my entire life. I hope to be a woman like her. I respect my mom so much more after having Gavin for 11 short days. I can only imagine how much stress and worry I caused her. I now know what it's like to worry and want the best for your children. Gavin was so blessed to get to spend time with his grandma every single day during his short 11 days. I know he knew he was loved by her. She spent every morning with him and she loved him so much. She helped me to see him as my precious gift from God. In God's eyes our sweet Gavin was perfect. He was fearfully and wonderfully made. God had a plan for Gavin that was much different from our plan. Although I never wanted my Gavin to suffer, I wish that my sweet Gavin was still here and that we were celebrating Mother's Day the way that most mother's do, but then reality sets in and I remember that we don't get the opportunities that most parents do. Most parents don't have to say goodbye 11 days after they have said hello. I know that Gavin is in Heaven with the only One who could provide him with better care than Ellis and I. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's day.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Diagnosis

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start. We met with Gavin's doctor last week and the diagnosis that they have for Gavin is Chondroplasia Punctata and IPEX Syndrome. The meeting went well, but I have had a few rough days due to the information that we received. I think it would be hard for any mom to read an autopsy report about her son and not be upset. I've read it and studied it and of course there were things in the report that were discovered about Gavin that we did not know before. The doctors are concerned that I could have an autoimmune disorder that I do not know about that could have caused some of Gavin's problems and/or made his problems more severe. This has been hard for me because I have felt guilty. I would have never harmed my sweet Gavin on purpose, but to think that my body could have harmed causing him to have problems his a hard pill to swallow. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. One of the hardest days that I've had in a long time. I was angry and depressed. I don't understand why we were chosen to go through this. Gavin was so loved by so many people and we weren't given as much time as we wanted to show him. I've wondered if this has to happen why doesn't it happen to people who do not want their children anyways, but I've been reminded that if Gavin wouldn't have been ours, he wouldn't have changed us. Today a sweet friend read me Psalm 139 and reminded me that both Gavin and I were created perfect and just the way God intended us to be. I needed this reminder after reading Gavin's autopsy report and reading about all the things that were "wrong" with his little body. You see when you have a premature baby born with many severe problems it is hard to remember that God knew the days set out for him before he was created, that he was fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God knit him in my womb. I have held a lot of guilt and blamed myself for all of Gavin's health problems. My heart is broken and I feel that there will always be a piece missing, but I know that Gavin is perfect now. He doesn't have to fight an uphill battle everyday. My sweet husband is so amazing. He is so rational and logical. He is my rock. Yesterday, I came home from work early because it was one of those days where I couldn't do it. He listened, held me, comforted me, and made me see things more realistically. Something he said to me that has really stuck is that we have a plan and God has a plan, and obviously our plans are not the same, but we have to trust God and know that there is a purpose for this. We are working on something very exciting to help other families in the NICU. I am so excited about it and will share more about it as we get all the kinks and details worked out. Please continue to remember me in your prayers. I could use them. I hope you all have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa

April Happenings!

Hey! I hope you are all doing well. We are doing good. We have been really busy lately, but it has been fun. The weather has been beautiful lately. During the month of April we did Race for the Cure, went to Austin, went to Kathy's for Easter dinner, and spent lots of time with our great friends. Race for the cure was a lot of fun. Ellis, Lisa, and I did it together. We did the 5k and it was great. It is awesome to see women who have fought or are fighting breast cancer out there walking for a cure. We really enjoyed it and the weather was perfect for it. That evening Ellis and I went out to dinner with 3 other couples that are some of our close friends. We had a great time. We ate dinner at PF Changs in downtown Fort Worth and then played pool and darts. It was fun. We discovered that we are not very good at darts, but had fun playing. The next week-end we went to Austin for the week-end to celebrate Lisa's birthday. We had a blast. We hung out, went kayaking, went to the Barton Springs Pool, and on Sunday, Ellis and I went horseback riding with Carol. That was so much fun. We went on a 2 hour ride by a lake and it was beautiful. This past Saturday a huge group of us went over to Dale and Kathy's. We all brought a dish and had an Easter dinner. It was great. After dinner we played Catch Phrase, which is always fun. I'm proud to say my team won both times. I had to work on Easter and it was a rough day. It was rough because I knew from the time that I was pregnant that Easter would be Gavin's first holiday. I had plans of taking him to Church and of course dressing him in a handsome outfit, but unfortunately we didn't get to do that. I cried from the time I woke up until I clocked into work and then became teary eyed several times throughout the day, but I made it through the day at work. I was proud of myself for sticking it out. I was so tempted to call in late, but I felt guilty making someone else work on a Holiday. My sweet husband helped to comfort me before work and then when I worked into the break room at work one of my closest friends could tell I wasn't okay and she was so comforting. I don't know what I would do without my amazing husband and friends. None of this has been easy, but I can't imagine what it would be like if I wasn't married to someone who loves me so much and does whatever he can to help me get through the day. I also have friends who are always there for me. They know that times will be hard and they are there for me when I need them. I am blessed. Today is the day that Ellis and I have been waiting on for four months. We are meeting with Gavin's doctor today to discuss what they have learned about Gavin's diagnosis. I am ready to hear what they know so that we can deal with this part of Gavin too. Please pray for us as I know today could very well be a rough day. I will post soon to let you know what we learn about Gavin today. Enjoy the pictures. Have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Due Date

Today is the day that Gavin was due. I think the best way to put today is as one of my best friends did today when she sent a sweet text message to check on me. Today is the day that you waited for for 6 months and the day that you have dreaded for the last 3 months. Oh how true that is. I know most babies are not born on their exact due date, but today signifies the day that Gavin would have been full term and ready for the world and he never made it to this point. He never got a chance at life as a full term baby. I'm saddened when I think and ponder all the what if's, but I know that I can't change what happened. I still know that God chose us for this even if I never understand it. To celebrate Gavin's life today we decided to plant a tree in his honor in our front yard. Kathy and Dale some of our close friends along with Lisa, Ellis, and I went to Home Depot to pick out Gavin's perfect tree. It's beautiful. It's a Bradford Pear tree and is pretty all year long. I love it and I love the memories that it will bring back when I see it. I have attached a few pictures of it. I plan on making copies of these pictures and adding them to Gavin's scrapbook. Please continue to pray for us as today has been a little rough for me. I wish that today I was planning for Gavin's birth, not planting a tree in his memory. I miss him so much and I know that people say that it gets easier, but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss my sweet baby. Hope you all enjoy the pictures of our very special tree.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's 3 Month Birthday

I intended to write this post yesterday, but I was way too busy getting ready for our company that we had last night. Yesterday Gavin would have been 3 months old. I can't believe it. I wish I was writing a post to tell everyone that Gavin is 3 months old and that he is getting close to coming home, but unfortunately I will never get to write those type of posts. So instead I've decided that today will be all about Gavin and 3's to represent his 3 month birthday.

My 3 favorite features about Gavin:

1. His adorable nose

2. His cute feet and long toes

3. His left hand that was perfect for holding

My 3 favorite memories about Gavin:

1. Delivering Gavin and hearing him cry for the first and only time

2. Visiting Gavin and holding his left hand everyday. We knew by how hard he squeezed our hand what type of day he was having.

3. Holding Gavin for the first time on Christmas while the nurse changed out his linen. Now that was the best Christmas present ever.

3 Things that Gavin taught me about life:

1. Life is NOT fair

2. God is good ALL the time

3. I am blessed to have the most amazing family and friends in the world. I mean who has friends that come running every time that your son is having a bad day including on Christmas and Christmas Eve just so they can be there for you? or Who has parents (from out of town) that would go up to the hospital every morning at 0730 to be with your son so that you and your husband could get a little more rest and then stay up there with you the whole day?

We are Blessed!

3 ways that Gavin has made me a better nurse:

1. I've realized how important it is to let the mom and dad participate in the care of their baby regardless of how sick he or she is.

2. I've learned to never judge anyone by the choices or decisions that they make for their baby. There were hard choices that Ellis and I were forced to make that no parent should ever have to make.

3. I've learned how important it is to help families make memories because you never know how long they will have with their sweet baby and to always advocate for the patient's that I take care of because they can't advocate for themselves.

3 things that I wish we never had to do but wouldn't trade:

1. Holding our sweet Gavin for the first and last time all at the same time.

2. Saying goodbye and showing Gavin all the love in the world in a few short hours as we held him while he went to be with God.

3. Only getting to spend 11 days with our sweet Gavin.

3 Bible Verses that I've learned to love:

1. Psalm 139

2.Philippians 4:7- And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.

3.Psalm 50:15- and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.

*It was really hard for me to choose just 3; there are so many that I've clung to over the last few months.

3 Sayings I now Love:

1.There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world.

2. You are who you are for a reason.
Youre part of an intricate plan.
your a precious and perfect unique design,
Called Gods special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
Your just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
and no matter how you may feel,
they were custom designed with Gods plan in mind,
and they bear the masters seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
and God wept that it hurt you so:
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Masters rod.
You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

3.I don't understand God, but I know God and I know God is good.

And of course I had to include only 3 of my favorite pictures (this was a hard choice)

I could go on and on about things that I've learned and experiences that I've had because of Gavin, but I said in the beginning that I would leave all the categories to 3's. That was much harder than I intended. Gavin taught me more than I could have ever imagined that he would. He was a very special little boy. As hard as it is, I feel blessed to know that God entrusted me and Ellis to take care of him for the few short days he was on this earth. I know we were chosen for him and he was chosen for us long before he was created.

Love to All,

Melissa

Toughest Day in a Long Time!

I have had a rough day today. It started on my way to work. I was teary eyed on my way so I decided to listen to my "Gavin" CD. It is a CD that I made with uplifting encouraging songs that remind me of my sweet baby. I got to work and began to get my assignment and things didn't get any better. One of the patient's I took care of had an extremely sad diagnosis. Her mother is a nurse, her parents are married, they loved and wanted her,they tried for her, and this was their first baby. Her papa came to stay with her for the morning just like Gavin's gma and pop did. Do you hear any similarities? I knew by 0730 that it was going to be a rough day. It is so hard for me when I have to take care of patient's who have genetic disorders. You see there were so many things about this sweet baby and her family that reminded me so much of Gavin and our family. I felt all the feelings and emotions coming back and it was hard. I went to the bathroom two different times and tried to "cry it out" a little bit and then late this afternoon it all came out and I began to sob at work. The charge nurse and my sweet manager worked it out so that I could go home early. I felt so bad leaving and I know that I have to be able to take care of this type of patient, but right now it is so hard for me. I thank God that I work at an amazing place where the people I work with are so understanding. I think that today has also been hard because Gavin's due date is this coming Monday. Although I know that I can't change things and I believe that things do happen for a reason even though I may not understand why, I still find myself asking what if I could have just kept Gavin in and protected him until he was full term. What would have happened? Would he have had an even better chance at life? I know that these what if's really do not matter because I can't change it, but as a mommy isn't it part of your job to protect your children? There are moments where I feel like a failure in that area. Gavin would be 3 months old on Saturday and we won't get to celebrate that. I know I will get through this tough time and that it will get easier. It's just one of those milestones that I have to cross. Please pray for strength for me over the next few days as I know they will be tough.

Love to all,

Melissa

Happy Hump Day!

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start. Ours is going well. As I mentioned in a previous post this is Ellis' spring break. We have enjoyed spending time together and getting a few things done around the house. We plan to finish our bathroom today, hang our ceiling fan in our room, and maybe fix up our flower bed in the front yard. I really enjoy being outside and working in the yard, so I am excited to get started on that. I'm hoping to get off work tomorrow. I signed up to be off if we are overstaffed (which we will be), so that means one more day I can spend with my sweet hubby. I can never get enough of that. One of my friends and I were talking on Monday, and I can't believe that on Saturday, my sweet Gavin would have been 3 months old. I can't believe that and I can't believe how much he continues to teach me. People would never think that a 2lb 12oz baby who never spoke could teach you so much, but oh he has and continues to. I feel like my patience are really being tested lately. We have been waiting on lab results since Gavin passed away, so that the pathologist can finish his autopsy report and hopefully then the doctors will have a diagnosis for Gavin. It has been two and a half months and we still don't have any answers. I know that these things can take time, but it is really hard to wait and to not know how to prepare for your future. Depending on Gavin's diagnosis will determine if we "try" again. I am praying for patience and understanding as I continue to wait. You would think that I would understand that things don't always go the way I want or plan, but that is a hard concept to grasp at times. Anyways, I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. I am going to count my blessings and enjoy mine.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Gift

I have a few stories that I would like to share with you about how my sweet Gavin is allowing me to reach out to others. A week ago, I had a patient at work who had just had unexpected surgery the day before. He was doing really well, but was still on a breathing machine. His mom came in to visit and I encouraged her to provide the cares (take the temperature and change the diaper) for her sweet baby boy. She was apprehensive at first, but highly encouraged her to do it and told her that I would not leave the bedside until she was done in case she needed help. She agreed to do it and of course she did a great job. I mean who can care for their baby better than a loving mother? Once we were done the mother and I began talking. Although I had never taken care of her son, I have seen her a lot. Through our conversation she asked me if I had any children. I felt comfortable with her and told her that I did have a son who was born premature with multiple health problems and that he only lived for 11 days. I explained to her that he was in the NICU there at Cook's. She told me that she had overheard me talking in the first days that I came back to work and thought that maybe I had this experience. I explained to her that it was very important to me that she had the opportunity to care for her baby, because I learned through my experience that the "little" things matter. She agreed and was thankful that I encouraged her to do her sons cares. We talked about how hard it is to feel like a "mom" when your baby is in the NICU. It was so awesome how I was able tell my story and to be able to understand just how this mom feels and offer her genuine encouragement. I never want to forget my sweet Gavin and the things he taught me and this was my first opportunity to share with another mom my experience. I know that I can't share my story with every family but it's awesome that I can with some.

This week I was also given the opportunity to share my story about Gavin. A nurse practioner that I work with who didn't know about Gavin asked me if I had my baby or when I was due (now lets not talk about me thinking that I hope I still don't look that pregnant). I began to tell her that I already had Gavin and that he had been here at Cook's and he didn't make it. I was once again able to tell our story. She became teary eyed and asked me questions and we were both teary eyed by the end of the conversation, but it felt good. Once she was done rounding on my patient she came back up to me and told me that she was going to try not to cry, but that she wanted me to know what an amazing person I am and how great it is that I want and will be able to help other families who go through just what my family went through. I smiled and my heart was happy. You see I was able to share my faith in God and how I believe that God allowed us to go through this experience for a reason and that I believe part of the reason is so we can help others who go through the same thing. I pray that God will continue to use me and show me ways to use our experience for His glory.

Lovin' Life

Good Evening! Hope everyone is doing well. We are doing great. Ellis is out of school this week and I am only working two days. How awesome is that? I am excited to spend time with my sweet hubby and get a few projects done around the house. We are going to finish touching up our bathroom this week and then I will post pictures of our bedroom and our bathroom that we have redone. It looks so awesome. I am ready to paint our whole house, but that will be a project that will take a while. I think that's part of the fun of owning your own home. You can dress it up however you want. We have had a great week-end. I started doing weight watchers almost 3 weeks ago and Ellis has been working out with me. I am trying to lose weight and get back into shape after having Gavin. He is a great trainer and encourager. So yesterday we ran and worked out, took the dogs to the dog park, bathed both dogs, and worked in the yard. It was beautiful outside. I love the beautiful weather. It reminds me of how beautiful the "days" are in heaven everyday and how my sweet Gavin always gets to experience such beauty. After all our hard work we enjoyed date night. We went out to dinner at the Outback Steakhouse and then to see the movie Just Go With It. It was a good movie. We had a great time together as usual. Today we went to Church and the worship service was great. Then we went over to my cousin Lisa's and grilled out with her and R.W. It was nice to see both of them as we haven't seen them much lately. This week we plan to workout hard and enjoy life. It's amazing how much fun you can have doing the little things when you try not to take things for granted. I hope you all enjoy your week. Be positive. Pray for the people in Japan and remember there is always someone worse off than you. Be thankful for the blessings God has given you.

Love to All,

Melissa

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I'm not sure how many of you have heard of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, but they are an organization who provides professional photography for free to families who are losing their baby. Ellis and I were blessed to have a photographer come to the hospital the day that Gavin passed away to take pictures of Gavin and of all three of us. She did an amazing job. If you are looking for an organization to donate to who really reaches out to help families this is a great one. They do a great job and their pictures are memories that will last a lifetime. I just received the CD of pictures in the mail from the photographer today so I can finally upload some on here. I hope you enjoy our family photos.

Love to All,

Melissa

My First Week Back at Work

This is the end of my first week back at work. I made it! I have only worked 4-6 hours on 3 different days, but that is a start. I've made a lot of progress from Monday to Thursday. Monday was HARD. Harder than I expected. I've learned through my experience with Gavin that you can't fully prepare yourself for what some experiences will be like. Monday was a very hard day for me for several reasons. You see the unit that I work in is also the unit where my sweet Gavin lived for his 11 days. While I am so thankful that Gavin was at Cook Children's and received the best care and the best chance at life, it is also hard for me because I have to go back there "empty handed" with only memories of Gavin. I didn't get to keep Gavin and take him home. So as I go back to work, it's not just work that I'm going back to. It's the place where most of my memories from my sweet Gavin took place. I see Gavin's primary nurses and doctors and it brings a smile to my face because I know those are the people who knew my Gavin well and who loved and cared for him so much. I see Gavin's bed space and it brings tears to my eyes because selfishly I wish he was still here with me. I go back to the NICU as a nurse, not as a mother to visit my sweet baby. These are just a few examples of the different emotions and feelings that I feel everyday. I have amazing coworkers who all have the best of intentions. They say hi and give me a hug, which I love. They make me feel welcomed and let me know that I have been missed. But the part that is hard is that some ask "how are you" or "are you okay" and they stand and wait and expect an answer. Those are generic questions unless you are a mom who lost her baby in that very unit. Those questions are hard for me, because as hard as I'm trying I'm not okay. I'm hurting. Although going back to work at Cook's in the NICU is something that I want to do, it hurts. Going back to work is a hurdle that I have to cross. I have to learn how to focus on my job and not my feelings and emotions while I'm there. I want to continue working in the NICU because I have an experience that most NICU nurses never have (thank God). I know what it's like to deliver a baby that is born early with multiple health problems who needs top of the line healthcare to even have the slightest chance at life. I know what its like to never be able change your baby's diaper, pick out his clothes, feed him, pick him up and hold him because he's crying and needs comfort that only his mommy can give him. I know what its like to feel helpless in the care of your baby. I know what its like to have to go home every single night that your baby is alive empty handed. I know what its like be the mom of the sickest baby in the NICU. I know what it's like to hold your baby for the first and the last time all at the same time. I know what its like to make a choice that a mom and dad should never have to make. I know what its like to have a premature baby who is an exception in this day and time who doesn't go home to mom and dad. I know all to well what its like to be a mom whose baby lived his entire short life in the NICU. I believe that God will allow me to use my experience with Gavin to relate and to help other moms in a way that no one else can. I want to glorify God through my experiences. I want to be a better nurse not only to my tiny patients but also to moms, dads, grandparents, and family members who are there to cheer on their special blessing from God each and everyday.

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Our God Makes No Mistakes

Hope everyone's Monday got off to a good start. I had a rough morning this morning, but my afternoon and evening have been good. I had to go back to my OB for my 6 week appointment. I dreaded going this morning. Usually when I go, I have to wait awhile and there is a room full of pregnant women. Today God was looking out for me. I only had to wait in the waiting room for about 5 minutes and there was only 1 pregnant lady. It was a hurdle to cross, but I did it. This week is a busy week for Ellis and I. We are starting grief counseling on Wednesday and on Thursday we are going to meet with Gavin's doctor. We are hoping to get a diagnosis and some other information from her. Please pray for us this week as we are hoping to get answers regarding Gavin's condition and we are also hoping to find out if this condition is something that would happen again in future pregnancies. One of Gavin's primary nurses and one of my work friends posted a poem on my facebook wall that I would like to share:

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

your a precious and perfect unique design,

Called Gods special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

Your just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

and no matter how you may feel,

they were custom designed with Gods plan in mind,

and they bear the masters seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

and God wept that it hurt you so:

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Masters rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

This poem just reminds me of how great our God is and that He makes NO mistakes. It also reminds me that God chose Ellis and I to be blessed with Gavin. I am not sure why God chose us, but I know there is a purpose and I plan to do great things because of what I have been through and what I've learned from Gavin. It is amazing to me how even after he's gone, I still feel like I learn something new from his short time here almost everyday. Over the weekend the weather was beautiful here. I kept thinking about Gavin and how he has beautiful days everyday. Can you imagine having perfect and beautiful days every single day? He is a lucky guy. He is perfect and healed now. He is with the only One who could care for him better than Ellis and I. We still miss him so much and it's hard to believe that yesterday was one month since my sweet Gavin passed away. Of course it was a hard day, but it is so comforting in knowing that as Christians we don't have to say "goodbye", we get to say "see you later". I know one day I will see my sweet Gavin again. This brings comfort to me, as I continue to work through my feelings and emotions of losing him. Bundle up and stay warm. I know there is bad weather all over the country.

Love to all,

Melissa

I do not understand God, but I know God and I know God is good

I have started doing a Bible study with a close friend called Believing God. We have only been doing the study for two weeks, but so far it has been great. We planned on starting this study before Gavin was born, but Gavin came sooner than we expected. I feel like the timing for this study together has been perfect. I am so excited as I have begun to study the Bible more and try to enhance my knowledge of the Bible and God. I believe that Gavin has brought me closer to my God and I am forever grateful for that. I know that Gavin had a purpose and that in his short eleven days he was able to complete his purpose for his earthly life. The title of this blog has meant so much to me today. I heard this on the video that we watch for our Bible study and it just seemed to fit so perfectly to how I feel. Although I may never have a complete understanding of why Ellis and I were chosen for Gavin, I do know that my God is perfect. Throughout my life so many times I have thought that I have things all figured out, later to find out that I was so far from what was best for me. As the days, months, and years passed I was able to see that Gods plan for me was better than I could have ever imagined for myself. I know that Gods plan for our life is better than either Ellis or I can imagine. I pray that God turns our tragedy of losing our first born into something that will glorify Him. Thank God tonight for the blessings He has given you.

Love to all,

Melissa

Our New Season

When I began this blog, I had no idea how much the title would apply to our life. Since my last post life has changed a lot for us. Our sweet Gavin was born on December 19th. He was 13 weeks early and he weighed 2lbs6oz. We were only able to keep Gavin here with us for 11 days. His short little life was quite the roller coaster for us, but it was a ride that I wish would have lasted longer. On December 30th Gavin passed away while Ellis and I held him. We have been through a lot, but we have also learned a lot. Our sweet Gavin has taught us so much. We have lots of good memories of him, but also wish we had more. A few of my favorite memories are...Gavin holding his left hand out. We would put our finger in his hand and if he was feeling good he would squeeze your finger. We held his hand as much and as long as possible. On Christmas eve which is also Ellis' birthday, Gavin had a rough day, but he was doing better by the evening and the night nurse allowed Ellis to "hold" Gavin while she changed his linen. She also took our first family photo that night. On Christmas night I was able to "hold" Gavin while the same nurse changed his linen and also took a few more pictures for us. The memory that I cherish is being able to hold my sweet Gavin on December 30th prior to taking the breathing tube out. Ellis and I both held him. He opened his eyes a few times and we held his hand as we held him. He seemed so peaceful. This was one of the hardest days of my life, but I have peace knowing that our sweet Gavin was shown lots of love and affection as we said goodbye and he went to be with our Lord. I miss him so much and if it were up to me, I would still have my sweet baby here. We would have the opportunity that most parents take for granted and be able to change Gavin's diaper, pick out his outfit for the day, lay on the couch and snuggle with him, get up in the middle of the night every few hours and feed him, and do whatever we had to do to provide a life full of love for our sweet Gavin. Although I do not understand why we were chosen to go through this, I do know that Gavin has a perfect body right now, that he is peaceful, and that he never suffered. This whole "season" of our life has been extremely difficult, the hardest thing that I have ever went through in my life. I have good moments and bad moments, but I feel like that is normal for someone who has been through what I've been through in the last month. I experience several different emotions everyday ranging from crying, being angry, being sad, questioning why, but I also try to find a reason to smile. I thank God daily for my amazing husband who is my rock. He also has hard times, but he is always here for me and knows how to comfort me. I miss Gavin so much and I feel that a piece of my heart is missing, but I also know that the feelings may always be there. I thank God everyday for the amazing friends that I have. I pray that next time I see someone going through a struggle in life that I will reach out to them the way that they have all reached out to me. I don't think I could have made it through this without them. I am also so thankful that my parents were able to be here with us and with Gavin everyday he was here. They were able to bond with him and to get to know his sweet personality, and they too fell in love with him. They were a great blessing to us as they would get up early and go spend the mornings with Gavin. This allowed us to rest some and to know that someone was there loving on my sweet baby boy. It also pleases me to know that Gavin was able to meet all of his aunts and uncles. My brother was a huge help while he was hear the day of and the few days after Gavin passed away. I am also grateful for the nurses and doctors who cared for and loved Gavin. They provided him with a fair chance at life and did all they could for him. I pray that God will use this tragedy to His benefit. I know this post is long, but I wanted you all to know a little bit about our sweet Gavin. I have attached a few pictures so that you can see our sweet Gavin.

Love to all,

Melissa