Our 2 Year Anniversary and other randomness!

This week has been a good week for us. Monday was our 2 year anniversary. We had a great day celebrating our life together. We had a picnic at the park where Ellis proposed, went to the movies, walked around the mall, and just enjoyed each other. It was great. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. I thank God for my awesome husband everyday. I can't imagine going through all that we've been through in the last several months all alone or with someone else. Ellis is so positive and optimistic. He is hopeful when I have no hope. He knows what I need from him without me telling him. He is an amazing person and I am so blessed to have him as my husband. In other news I have been on a diet for the last two weeks and it is going well. Since I've been on it I've lost 3lbs (which isn't a lot), but I've lost 2 inches in my hips and 1.5 inches in my waist. I can now fit into the clothes I wore before I got pregnant with Gavin. That makes me so happy and gives me the encouragement to keep going. I needed to lose weight before I got pregnant with Gavin so I am hoping to keep losing weight and to get in shape. One of the doctor's that I work with has been helping me try to find an immunologist to go see to get tested for autoimmune disorders. I am so thankful to have her help. I am trying to find an immunologist at UT Southwestern because we feel that an academic immunologist will be the most up to date on current research and trends and will be the most beneficial for me to go to if I do indeed have some type of autoimmune disorder. Of course my prayer is that I don't and my goal is to check off the list of things that I need to be tested for and for them all to be negative. As much as I would love to have a specific answer for why this happened to Gavin, I don't want the answer to be that something is wrong with my body. The only two options left are that it was a "fluke" or I have some sort of autoimmune disorder. I'll take the "fluke". I am ready for closure, but realistically that won't happen for awhile. I've learned a lot about patience over the last several months and I don't remember asking for patience (lol), but I should be the most patient person in the world when this whole ordeal is over. Next week Ellis will have a job interview for a prn anesthesia tech position. I am hoping and praying that he gets this position. He really wants it. I have a good feeling about it. He will also be going to summer school this summer too, so he will be busy. I hope you all have a great weekend.

Love to all,
Melissa

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there especially my own. I have the most amazing mom in the world. God blessed me with a mom who has always been here for me no matter what. I've seen her unconditional love my entire life. I hope to be a woman like her. I respect my mom so much more after having Gavin for 11 short days. I can only imagine how much stress and worry I caused her. I now know what it's like to worry and want the best for your children. Gavin was so blessed to get to spend time with his grandma every single day during his short 11 days. I know he knew he was loved by her. She spent every morning with him and she loved him so much. She helped me to see him as my precious gift from God. In God's eyes our sweet Gavin was perfect. He was fearfully and wonderfully made. God had a plan for Gavin that was much different from our plan. Although I never wanted my Gavin to suffer, I wish that my sweet Gavin was still here and that we were celebrating Mother's Day the way that most mother's do, but then reality sets in and I remember that we don't get the opportunities that most parents do. Most parents don't have to say goodbye 11 days after they have said hello. I know that Gavin is in Heaven with the only One who could provide him with better care than Ellis and I. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's day.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Diagnosis

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start. We met with Gavin's doctor last week and the diagnosis that they have for Gavin is Chondroplasia Punctata and IPEX Syndrome. The meeting went well, but I have had a few rough days due to the information that we received. I think it would be hard for any mom to read an autopsy report about her son and not be upset. I've read it and studied it and of course there were things in the report that were discovered about Gavin that we did not know before. The doctors are concerned that I could have an autoimmune disorder that I do not know about that could have caused some of Gavin's problems and/or made his problems more severe. This has been hard for me because I have felt guilty. I would have never harmed my sweet Gavin on purpose, but to think that my body could have harmed causing him to have problems his a hard pill to swallow. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. One of the hardest days that I've had in a long time. I was angry and depressed. I don't understand why we were chosen to go through this. Gavin was so loved by so many people and we weren't given as much time as we wanted to show him. I've wondered if this has to happen why doesn't it happen to people who do not want their children anyways, but I've been reminded that if Gavin wouldn't have been ours, he wouldn't have changed us. Today a sweet friend read me Psalm 139 and reminded me that both Gavin and I were created perfect and just the way God intended us to be. I needed this reminder after reading Gavin's autopsy report and reading about all the things that were "wrong" with his little body. You see when you have a premature baby born with many severe problems it is hard to remember that God knew the days set out for him before he was created, that he was fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God knit him in my womb. I have held a lot of guilt and blamed myself for all of Gavin's health problems. My heart is broken and I feel that there will always be a piece missing, but I know that Gavin is perfect now. He doesn't have to fight an uphill battle everyday. My sweet husband is so amazing. He is so rational and logical. He is my rock. Yesterday, I came home from work early because it was one of those days where I couldn't do it. He listened, held me, comforted me, and made me see things more realistically. Something he said to me that has really stuck is that we have a plan and God has a plan, and obviously our plans are not the same, but we have to trust God and know that there is a purpose for this. We are working on something very exciting to help other families in the NICU. I am so excited about it and will share more about it as we get all the kinks and details worked out. Please continue to remember me in your prayers. I could use them. I hope you all have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa