Our New Season

When I began this blog, I had no idea how much the title would apply to our life. Since my last post life has changed a lot for us. Our sweet Gavin was born on December 19th. He was 13 weeks early and he weighed 2lbs6oz. We were only able to keep Gavin here with us for 11 days. His short little life was quite the roller coaster for us, but it was a ride that I wish would have lasted longer. On December 30th Gavin passed away while Ellis and I held him. We have been through a lot, but we have also learned a lot. Our sweet Gavin has taught us so much. We have lots of good memories of him, but also wish we had more. A few of my favorite memories are...Gavin holding his left hand out. We would put our finger in his hand and if he was feeling good he would squeeze your finger. We held his hand as much and as long as possible. On Christmas eve which is also Ellis' birthday, Gavin had a rough day, but he was doing better by the evening and the night nurse allowed Ellis to "hold" Gavin while she changed his linen. She also took our first family photo that night. On Christmas night I was able to "hold" Gavin while the same nurse changed his linen and also took a few more pictures for us. The memory that I cherish is being able to hold my sweet Gavin on December 30th prior to taking the breathing tube out. Ellis and I both held him. He opened his eyes a few times and we held his hand as we held him. He seemed so peaceful. This was one of the hardest days of my life, but I have peace knowing that our sweet Gavin was shown lots of love and affection as we said goodbye and he went to be with our Lord. I miss him so much and if it were up to me, I would still have my sweet baby here. We would have the opportunity that most parents take for granted and be able to change Gavin's diaper, pick out his outfit for the day, lay on the couch and snuggle with him, get up in the middle of the night every few hours and feed him, and do whatever we had to do to provide a life full of love for our sweet Gavin. Although I do not understand why we were chosen to go through this, I do know that Gavin has a perfect body right now, that he is peaceful, and that he never suffered. This whole "season" of our life has been extremely difficult, the hardest thing that I have ever went through in my life. I have good moments and bad moments, but I feel like that is normal for someone who has been through what I've been through in the last month. I experience several different emotions everyday ranging from crying, being angry, being sad, questioning why, but I also try to find a reason to smile. I thank God daily for my amazing husband who is my rock. He also has hard times, but he is always here for me and knows how to comfort me. I miss Gavin so much and I feel that a piece of my heart is missing, but I also know that the feelings may always be there. I thank God everyday for the amazing friends that I have. I pray that next time I see someone going through a struggle in life that I will reach out to them the way that they have all reached out to me. I don't think I could have made it through this without them. I am also so thankful that my parents were able to be here with us and with Gavin everyday he was here. They were able to bond with him and to get to know his sweet personality, and they too fell in love with him. They were a great blessing to us as they would get up early and go spend the mornings with Gavin. This allowed us to rest some and to know that someone was there loving on my sweet baby boy. It also pleases me to know that Gavin was able to meet all of his aunts and uncles. My brother was a huge help while he was hear the day of and the few days after Gavin passed away. I am also grateful for the nurses and doctors who cared for and loved Gavin. They provided him with a fair chance at life and did all they could for him. I pray that God will use this tragedy to His benefit. I know this post is long, but I wanted you all to know a little bit about our sweet Gavin. I have attached a few pictures so that you can see our sweet Gavin.

Love to all,

Melissa