Gavin's Journey

Today I have decided to link up with Kelly's Korner as she is doing a post on mother's who have lost children. Although this is a "group" that I never wanted or imagined that I would ever join, I find it important to share my sweet Gavin with the world. Gavin was our fist child. Everything was going well with our pregnancy until about 19 weeks. We had the big ultrasound where they look at the different body parts and systems and make sure that everything is there, working, and normal. The sono tech completed the ultrasound and being a nurse I noticed that she seemed to be looking at his brain for a long time. My husband reassured me that everything was okay and we waited to see our doctor. I will never forget that day when our doctor came in to tell us that our little boy had multiple problems and that we were being referred to the perinatologist the next day. I felt like my whole world had been crushed. I remember every detail of that evening and night as we waited for our appointment the next day. The next day we met with the perinatologist and had another extensive ultrasound, amniocentesis, and labs done. She was not sure what all problems Gavin had but she knew that one of them was Dandy Walker malformation. We continued to see her through the remaining 7 weeks of our pregnancy. Every time we went for an appointment there was something else wrong, but the doctors were unable to pinpoint exactly what Gavin had. The doctor felt that he had some type of dwarfisim and we did lab work for the common types that there are tests out there for, but they all came back normal. On December 15th, 2010 I woke up leaking amniotic fluid. I was 26 weeks pregnant and scared. Being a neonatal ICU nurse, I knew that this was not good for anyone, but I also knew that my little Gavin needed to stay in the womb as long as possible to give him the best chance at life. I was admitted to the hospital and put on medication to stop the preterm labor. That worked for 4 days. Gavin was born on December 19th, 2010. He was immediately taken to the NICU where they put him on a breathing machine and did several other necessary things to give him the best chance at life. His birthday was the only day that we would hear his soft sweet little cry. Gavin lived for a total of 11 days. He went through more in those 11 days than I have ever been through in 30 years. He was very sick and on almost every type of machine possible. He had several health issues while he was here with us. The doctors and nurses who cared for him were amazing. He was in the same hospital where I worked and that was a huge blessing. The doctors sent out several tests, did lots of xrays, and had several different specialists come by to see him as we still didn't have an answer to what diagnosis Gavin had and whether or not it was "compatible with life". After 11 days of fighting with all he had Gavin grew tired and his little body was losing the fight. My husband and I decided that we didn't want our sweet baby to suffer any longer. We knew that our Gavin had fought for his life since the day he was born and that his little body had grown tired. Letting our baby go was the hardest decision that we had ever had to make in life and one that no parent should ever have to make. We held him (for the first and last time) surrounded by our amazing family and friends as we removed the support and allowed our baby to peacefully go to Heaven while being surrounded with love. Gavin's life has a huge impact on my life. I never realized how much I could learn from someone who is a little over 2lbs and can't talk to you. Gavin had ways of expressing himself and I believe that he showed me what life and love are really about. The chaplain from the hospital led Gavin's funeral. We wanted someone who knew Gavin to be the person who spoke on behalf of his life. He said something that will always stand out to me when I think about my son's short life. He said that we are all here to serve a purpose and that Gavin was able to fulfill his purpose in 11 short days. I know that even though Gavin is in Heaven now his life is still impacting lives. There were times throughout Gavin's life and my grieving period when I really questioned God. I've learned that life is NOT fair, that we do not always understand why we are dealt the challenges that we are, and that God is big enough to handle our anger. During my grief I read several books and leaned on several Christian songs and verses to help me get through. I've come to realize that God will never give us more than we can handle and that even when life doesn't make sense to us that God is there. I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life and I thank Gavin for that. One of my favorite verses since being pregnant with Gavin is Psalm 139:13-14: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. I know God created Gavin the way he was and that he was fearfully and wonderfully made. We are expecting our second baby, a little girl in May. I know that I will be a better mom to her from the important lessons I learned from Gavin.

Thanks for stopping by,

Melissa