3 More Days!! Yippee!

I've been on bed rest for the past 4.5 weeks and I am so ready to be off of it. We have a doctor's appointment this Thursday and the plan is that I will come off of bed rest and procardia that day. I am on the count down. It's been worth it to keep little miss Ava in the womb as long as possible, but I am beginning to go stir crazy. I've had to remind myself frequently in the last week or so to be thankful for being on bed rest and medication regardless of the pressure, contractions, and pain that I've felt. I know from watching Gavin in the NICU that I never want another one of baby's to have to go through that. God is good and it is truly a blessing that I'm still pregnant with my sweet little girl. I am getting so excited to meet her and see just what she looks like and what her little personality is like. We have everything ready for her. My hope is that as soon as she is strong enough to come home with us from the hospital that she will decide to make her appearance.

Gavin's Journey

Today I have decided to link up with Kelly's Korner as she is doing a post on mother's who have lost children. Although this is a "group" that I never wanted or imagined that I would ever join, I find it important to share my sweet Gavin with the world. Gavin was our fist child. Everything was going well with our pregnancy until about 19 weeks. We had the big ultrasound where they look at the different body parts and systems and make sure that everything is there, working, and normal. The sono tech completed the ultrasound and being a nurse I noticed that she seemed to be looking at his brain for a long time. My husband reassured me that everything was okay and we waited to see our doctor. I will never forget that day when our doctor came in to tell us that our little boy had multiple problems and that we were being referred to the perinatologist the next day. I felt like my whole world had been crushed. I remember every detail of that evening and night as we waited for our appointment the next day. The next day we met with the perinatologist and had another extensive ultrasound, amniocentesis, and labs done. She was not sure what all problems Gavin had but she knew that one of them was Dandy Walker malformation. We continued to see her through the remaining 7 weeks of our pregnancy. Every time we went for an appointment there was something else wrong, but the doctors were unable to pinpoint exactly what Gavin had. The doctor felt that he had some type of dwarfisim and we did lab work for the common types that there are tests out there for, but they all came back normal. On December 15th, 2010 I woke up leaking amniotic fluid. I was 26 weeks pregnant and scared. Being a neonatal ICU nurse, I knew that this was not good for anyone, but I also knew that my little Gavin needed to stay in the womb as long as possible to give him the best chance at life. I was admitted to the hospital and put on medication to stop the preterm labor. That worked for 4 days. Gavin was born on December 19th, 2010. He was immediately taken to the NICU where they put him on a breathing machine and did several other necessary things to give him the best chance at life. His birthday was the only day that we would hear his soft sweet little cry. Gavin lived for a total of 11 days. He went through more in those 11 days than I have ever been through in 30 years. He was very sick and on almost every type of machine possible. He had several health issues while he was here with us. The doctors and nurses who cared for him were amazing. He was in the same hospital where I worked and that was a huge blessing. The doctors sent out several tests, did lots of xrays, and had several different specialists come by to see him as we still didn't have an answer to what diagnosis Gavin had and whether or not it was "compatible with life". After 11 days of fighting with all he had Gavin grew tired and his little body was losing the fight. My husband and I decided that we didn't want our sweet baby to suffer any longer. We knew that our Gavin had fought for his life since the day he was born and that his little body had grown tired. Letting our baby go was the hardest decision that we had ever had to make in life and one that no parent should ever have to make. We held him (for the first and last time) surrounded by our amazing family and friends as we removed the support and allowed our baby to peacefully go to Heaven while being surrounded with love. Gavin's life has a huge impact on my life. I never realized how much I could learn from someone who is a little over 2lbs and can't talk to you. Gavin had ways of expressing himself and I believe that he showed me what life and love are really about. The chaplain from the hospital led Gavin's funeral. We wanted someone who knew Gavin to be the person who spoke on behalf of his life. He said something that will always stand out to me when I think about my son's short life. He said that we are all here to serve a purpose and that Gavin was able to fulfill his purpose in 11 short days. I know that even though Gavin is in Heaven now his life is still impacting lives. There were times throughout Gavin's life and my grieving period when I really questioned God. I've learned that life is NOT fair, that we do not always understand why we are dealt the challenges that we are, and that God is big enough to handle our anger. During my grief I read several books and leaned on several Christian songs and verses to help me get through. I've come to realize that God will never give us more than we can handle and that even when life doesn't make sense to us that God is there. I am closer to God than I have ever been in my life and I thank Gavin for that. One of my favorite verses since being pregnant with Gavin is Psalm 139:13-14: For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. I know God created Gavin the way he was and that he was fearfully and wonderfully made. We are expecting our second baby, a little girl in May. I know that I will be a better mom to her from the important lessons I learned from Gavin.

Thanks for stopping by,

Melissa

Our New Season

Wow it has been several months since I've lasted posted on our blog and a lot has changed at the Spencer's. We are expecting our second baby. We are having a girl, Ava Grace. She is due May 19th, 2012. Ava is healthy and perfect. We were followed by the perinatologist until March. In March our doctor released us because she had no need to follow us anymore since Ava does not have any problems. That was a very exciting day for us. The only excitement (which by all means is more than enough) that we've had with this pregnancy is that I am on bed rest. I was about 31.5 weeks and went in for a routing doctor's appointment. I had been having some pelvic "aching" (pressure) for a few weeks so my doctor wanted to check me to be sure that everything was okay. I was dilated 1cm and 50% effaced. She then placed a monitor on to look for contractions and noted some uterine irritability. So I was placed on bed rest and medication to keep Ava content in the womb for as long as possible. I will be on both the bed rest and medication until I am 36.5 weeks and then we will stop both. The doctor doesn't think that it will take long once I'm off the medication for Ava to make her appearance. I turned 35 weeks today. We are thankful for everyday that our sweet girl gets in the womb. Daddy has been busy taking care of me while also working, going to school, and preparing the house for Ava. He finished Ava's room this week and it looks amazing. It turned out better than I ever imagined. He is such a great man. I am so blessed to have him as my husband and Ava is so blessed to have him for a daddy. By the way he is already crazy about her. He has big plans for him and his little girl. I know she will be a daddy's girl and I'm okay with that. I think every girl should be a daddy's girl. I hope you are all doing well. I am going to do my best to post more frequently. Have a good night.

Melissa

Happy Monday!

Good Morning! I haven't updated the blog in a while so I thought I would do that first thing. Things are going great here in Texas. Ellis is done with summer school and will start the fall semester next week. He is doing awesome with school. He also will start a new job in mid September. He is going to be a care partner in the ER at Cook. He is excited to go back to work. We have had the last several days off together and have enjoyed each other's company. We went out to dinner with some good friends on Saturday night and really enjoyed it. Things are going really well for me. Work has been great. I have a few different opportunities to help other families due to my experiences with Gavin. It's an awesome feeling when you can use your tragedy to help someone else. There have been several times lately where I can see the good coming from my heartbreak of losing Gavin. I still miss him so much and think about him everyday, but I am now trying to use our story to help others. I feel like I am finally getting back to my "old" self in a lot of ways. Of course I will never be the same person that I was before Gavin and I am okay with that. I am hoping to be a better vessel for Christ. I feel happy and free once again. I don't feel so bogged down with all the sadness, guilt, and pain that I felt for many months. I know there will still be hard days and times and I also know that is okay. It's all part of the process. I am excited to start volunteering at the homeless shelter in downtown Fort Worth. I read a great book called "Same Kind of Different as Me". I highly recommend it. The book is based on a true story and the setting is here in Fort Worth. The book really opened my eyes and inspired me to volunteer at the homeless shelter. I hope you all have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa

Just wanted to post a quick update and let you all know that all of my lab work came back normal, which means I do NOT have an autoimmune disorder. This is the best news that we've received in a long time. We are so happy and so thankful. God is good! What all this means is with all the information that we now have regarding Gavin's condition, there is a 10% chance that we could have another baby with the same problems as Gavin. The reason that it is 10% is because once you have had a baby that has had some anomalies to the extent that Gavin did, you will always be considered to be at a higher risk. When we get pregnant again we will be followed very closely by both an OB doctor and a perinatologist. I know that time will be both exciting and terrifying, but I know that I serve a big God who will help me to handle it. Hope everyone has a great week-end.

Love to All,

Melissa

Moving On!

Good morning! I hope everyone is well. Things are going well for us. Ellis started a new summer session for school yesterday and has been busy with that so far. I have been off for the last few days and have been working on housework, laying out by the pool, and working out. I haven't posted in a while so I thought that I would give an update on how things are going here for us. Last Friday I had a doctor's appointment with an internal medicine doctor so that I can be worked up for autoimmune disorders. This is one of the things on our "checklist" since Gavin's passing to do to prepare us to make a decision on whether or not to try again. Due to Gavin's diagnosis the doctor's were concerned that I may have an autoimmune disorder specifically lupus that could have caused Gavin's problems. The doctor I met with on Friday was very thorough. He spent over an hour with me. He asked lots of questions, did a thorough physical exam, and took Gavin's reports home to study over the week-end. At the end of our meeting on Friday he told me that he did not feel that I have anything autoimmune, but that he would look over everything over the week-end and order labs. Sure enough his office called me yesterday and he had spoken with Gavin's doctor and ordered the labs. I went to the lab this morning and had the lab drawn and was told that the results should be back in 24-48 hours. About 10 different labs were ordered. I am thanking God for the good news from my exam and praying that all of my labs will come back normal. I am ready to finish up with the last thing on my checklist so that I can in a sense move on with life. For the last 7 months I have dealt with the passing of Gavin, but have also had a hard time in trying to move on. I don't mean move on as in forget about Gavin. I mean move on as in accept that this happened and know that God is in control and know that just because this happened once does not mean that it will happen again. I've felt a lot more positive lately and have had a peace about the autoimmune disorder. I've had a peace that I am normal and do not have any autoimmune disorder. In the beginning I was sure there had to be something wrong with me, but I'm realizing more and more that I did not cause this and that horrible things happen to good people. I believe that once I get all the lab work back that I will be able to move on in one way or another. My prayer is that I will be jumping up and down praising God that nothing is wrong with me, but if something does come back positive then it's also a time to learn how to deal with it and to move on. I am so thankful that I have a husband who is understanding. Although he is so understanding and supportive, I know that it is weighing on him because it has been hard for me to "move on with life". He is so positive and knows that God is always in control, that I think it's hard for him at times to understand why I'm not. I need to be more like him in this area. I don't know what I would do without him. He tells me I'd be crazy without him and he's probably right. I will keep you posted as I find out my lab results and "move on with life". I hope you all have a good week!

Love to All,

Melissa

Happy Father's Day!!

Happy Fathers Day to my sweet dad and my amazing husband. Today is one of those firsts that we have to get through and I feel like we are doing a pretty good job today. Today is also Gavin's 6 month birthday. I can't believe that it has already been six months since our sweet little boy came into this world and blessed our lives forever. I still miss him so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but I know that he is better now. I love him so much and I will never forget the short 11 days that I was able to spend with him. But today we are celebrating what an amazing dad Gavin has. Ellis is the most amazing father. He spent everyday of Gavin's life with him and I know that Gavin felt his love. From the time Gavin was born until the time he passed away, his daddy was there. Ellis was the first person that Gavin met. I know he knew from the time he was born that he was loved beyond measure. Ellis went over to Cook's shortly after they took Gavin over because we didn't want him to be there alone. We wanted him to feel the presence of his family and to know that he wasn't alone. There were a few evenings when Ellis stayed late at the hospital by himself so that he could spend some quality time with just Gavin. I am so happy that Ellis did that while he was able to. And one of my very favorite memories about Ellis and Gavin is when Ellis held him and sang to him the day we took Gavin off the ventilator. He sang to him about heaven and showed him the love that he had for him. What an amazing scene to have in my mind of my sweet baby and his amazing daddy.

Today is also the day that I thank God for the amazing dad that I have. My dad has always been there for me my entire life. I have always been a daddy's girl and I still am. Not only is my dad an amazing father, but he is also an amazing grandpa. Gavin was so blessed to know him. In his short little life, Gavin was able to spend time with his grandpa every morning. Gavin's gma and pop would go up to the hospital every morning around 730 and spend time with him and then they would stay the entire day with us at the hospital. I know that Gavin blessed his grandpa's life, but I believe that Gavin was also blessed by his grandpa. I love my dad so much and I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing man as my dad.

I hope everyone enjoys their day.

Love to all,

Melissa