Happy Monday!

Good Morning! I haven't updated the blog in a while so I thought I would do that first thing. Things are going great here in Texas. Ellis is done with summer school and will start the fall semester next week. He is doing awesome with school. He also will start a new job in mid September. He is going to be a care partner in the ER at Cook. He is excited to go back to work. We have had the last several days off together and have enjoyed each other's company. We went out to dinner with some good friends on Saturday night and really enjoyed it. Things are going really well for me. Work has been great. I have a few different opportunities to help other families due to my experiences with Gavin. It's an awesome feeling when you can use your tragedy to help someone else. There have been several times lately where I can see the good coming from my heartbreak of losing Gavin. I still miss him so much and think about him everyday, but I am now trying to use our story to help others. I feel like I am finally getting back to my "old" self in a lot of ways. Of course I will never be the same person that I was before Gavin and I am okay with that. I am hoping to be a better vessel for Christ. I feel happy and free once again. I don't feel so bogged down with all the sadness, guilt, and pain that I felt for many months. I know there will still be hard days and times and I also know that is okay. It's all part of the process. I am excited to start volunteering at the homeless shelter in downtown Fort Worth. I read a great book called "Same Kind of Different as Me". I highly recommend it. The book is based on a true story and the setting is here in Fort Worth. The book really opened my eyes and inspired me to volunteer at the homeless shelter. I hope you all have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa

Just wanted to post a quick update and let you all know that all of my lab work came back normal, which means I do NOT have an autoimmune disorder. This is the best news that we've received in a long time. We are so happy and so thankful. God is good! What all this means is with all the information that we now have regarding Gavin's condition, there is a 10% chance that we could have another baby with the same problems as Gavin. The reason that it is 10% is because once you have had a baby that has had some anomalies to the extent that Gavin did, you will always be considered to be at a higher risk. When we get pregnant again we will be followed very closely by both an OB doctor and a perinatologist. I know that time will be both exciting and terrifying, but I know that I serve a big God who will help me to handle it. Hope everyone has a great week-end.

Love to All,

Melissa

Moving On!

Good morning! I hope everyone is well. Things are going well for us. Ellis started a new summer session for school yesterday and has been busy with that so far. I have been off for the last few days and have been working on housework, laying out by the pool, and working out. I haven't posted in a while so I thought that I would give an update on how things are going here for us. Last Friday I had a doctor's appointment with an internal medicine doctor so that I can be worked up for autoimmune disorders. This is one of the things on our "checklist" since Gavin's passing to do to prepare us to make a decision on whether or not to try again. Due to Gavin's diagnosis the doctor's were concerned that I may have an autoimmune disorder specifically lupus that could have caused Gavin's problems. The doctor I met with on Friday was very thorough. He spent over an hour with me. He asked lots of questions, did a thorough physical exam, and took Gavin's reports home to study over the week-end. At the end of our meeting on Friday he told me that he did not feel that I have anything autoimmune, but that he would look over everything over the week-end and order labs. Sure enough his office called me yesterday and he had spoken with Gavin's doctor and ordered the labs. I went to the lab this morning and had the lab drawn and was told that the results should be back in 24-48 hours. About 10 different labs were ordered. I am thanking God for the good news from my exam and praying that all of my labs will come back normal. I am ready to finish up with the last thing on my checklist so that I can in a sense move on with life. For the last 7 months I have dealt with the passing of Gavin, but have also had a hard time in trying to move on. I don't mean move on as in forget about Gavin. I mean move on as in accept that this happened and know that God is in control and know that just because this happened once does not mean that it will happen again. I've felt a lot more positive lately and have had a peace about the autoimmune disorder. I've had a peace that I am normal and do not have any autoimmune disorder. In the beginning I was sure there had to be something wrong with me, but I'm realizing more and more that I did not cause this and that horrible things happen to good people. I believe that once I get all the lab work back that I will be able to move on in one way or another. My prayer is that I will be jumping up and down praising God that nothing is wrong with me, but if something does come back positive then it's also a time to learn how to deal with it and to move on. I am so thankful that I have a husband who is understanding. Although he is so understanding and supportive, I know that it is weighing on him because it has been hard for me to "move on with life". He is so positive and knows that God is always in control, that I think it's hard for him at times to understand why I'm not. I need to be more like him in this area. I don't know what I would do without him. He tells me I'd be crazy without him and he's probably right. I will keep you posted as I find out my lab results and "move on with life". I hope you all have a good week!

Love to All,

Melissa

Happy Father's Day!!

Happy Fathers Day to my sweet dad and my amazing husband. Today is one of those firsts that we have to get through and I feel like we are doing a pretty good job today. Today is also Gavin's 6 month birthday. I can't believe that it has already been six months since our sweet little boy came into this world and blessed our lives forever. I still miss him so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but I know that he is better now. I love him so much and I will never forget the short 11 days that I was able to spend with him. But today we are celebrating what an amazing dad Gavin has. Ellis is the most amazing father. He spent everyday of Gavin's life with him and I know that Gavin felt his love. From the time Gavin was born until the time he passed away, his daddy was there. Ellis was the first person that Gavin met. I know he knew from the time he was born that he was loved beyond measure. Ellis went over to Cook's shortly after they took Gavin over because we didn't want him to be there alone. We wanted him to feel the presence of his family and to know that he wasn't alone. There were a few evenings when Ellis stayed late at the hospital by himself so that he could spend some quality time with just Gavin. I am so happy that Ellis did that while he was able to. And one of my very favorite memories about Ellis and Gavin is when Ellis held him and sang to him the day we took Gavin off the ventilator. He sang to him about heaven and showed him the love that he had for him. What an amazing scene to have in my mind of my sweet baby and his amazing daddy.

Today is also the day that I thank God for the amazing dad that I have. My dad has always been there for me my entire life. I have always been a daddy's girl and I still am. Not only is my dad an amazing father, but he is also an amazing grandpa. Gavin was so blessed to know him. In his short little life, Gavin was able to spend time with his grandpa every morning. Gavin's gma and pop would go up to the hospital every morning around 730 and spend time with him and then they would stay the entire day with us at the hospital. I know that Gavin blessed his grandpa's life, but I believe that Gavin was also blessed by his grandpa. I love my dad so much and I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing man as my dad.

I hope everyone enjoys their day.

Love to all,

Melissa

Our 2 Year Anniversary and other randomness!

This week has been a good week for us. Monday was our 2 year anniversary. We had a great day celebrating our life together. We had a picnic at the park where Ellis proposed, went to the movies, walked around the mall, and just enjoyed each other. It was great. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. I thank God for my awesome husband everyday. I can't imagine going through all that we've been through in the last several months all alone or with someone else. Ellis is so positive and optimistic. He is hopeful when I have no hope. He knows what I need from him without me telling him. He is an amazing person and I am so blessed to have him as my husband. In other news I have been on a diet for the last two weeks and it is going well. Since I've been on it I've lost 3lbs (which isn't a lot), but I've lost 2 inches in my hips and 1.5 inches in my waist. I can now fit into the clothes I wore before I got pregnant with Gavin. That makes me so happy and gives me the encouragement to keep going. I needed to lose weight before I got pregnant with Gavin so I am hoping to keep losing weight and to get in shape. One of the doctor's that I work with has been helping me try to find an immunologist to go see to get tested for autoimmune disorders. I am so thankful to have her help. I am trying to find an immunologist at UT Southwestern because we feel that an academic immunologist will be the most up to date on current research and trends and will be the most beneficial for me to go to if I do indeed have some type of autoimmune disorder. Of course my prayer is that I don't and my goal is to check off the list of things that I need to be tested for and for them all to be negative. As much as I would love to have a specific answer for why this happened to Gavin, I don't want the answer to be that something is wrong with my body. The only two options left are that it was a "fluke" or I have some sort of autoimmune disorder. I'll take the "fluke". I am ready for closure, but realistically that won't happen for awhile. I've learned a lot about patience over the last several months and I don't remember asking for patience (lol), but I should be the most patient person in the world when this whole ordeal is over. Next week Ellis will have a job interview for a prn anesthesia tech position. I am hoping and praying that he gets this position. He really wants it. I have a good feeling about it. He will also be going to summer school this summer too, so he will be busy. I hope you all have a great weekend.

Love to all,
Melissa

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there especially my own. I have the most amazing mom in the world. God blessed me with a mom who has always been here for me no matter what. I've seen her unconditional love my entire life. I hope to be a woman like her. I respect my mom so much more after having Gavin for 11 short days. I can only imagine how much stress and worry I caused her. I now know what it's like to worry and want the best for your children. Gavin was so blessed to get to spend time with his grandma every single day during his short 11 days. I know he knew he was loved by her. She spent every morning with him and she loved him so much. She helped me to see him as my precious gift from God. In God's eyes our sweet Gavin was perfect. He was fearfully and wonderfully made. God had a plan for Gavin that was much different from our plan. Although I never wanted my Gavin to suffer, I wish that my sweet Gavin was still here and that we were celebrating Mother's Day the way that most mother's do, but then reality sets in and I remember that we don't get the opportunities that most parents do. Most parents don't have to say goodbye 11 days after they have said hello. I know that Gavin is in Heaven with the only One who could provide him with better care than Ellis and I. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's day.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Diagnosis

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start. We met with Gavin's doctor last week and the diagnosis that they have for Gavin is Chondroplasia Punctata and IPEX Syndrome. The meeting went well, but I have had a few rough days due to the information that we received. I think it would be hard for any mom to read an autopsy report about her son and not be upset. I've read it and studied it and of course there were things in the report that were discovered about Gavin that we did not know before. The doctors are concerned that I could have an autoimmune disorder that I do not know about that could have caused some of Gavin's problems and/or made his problems more severe. This has been hard for me because I have felt guilty. I would have never harmed my sweet Gavin on purpose, but to think that my body could have harmed causing him to have problems his a hard pill to swallow. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. One of the hardest days that I've had in a long time. I was angry and depressed. I don't understand why we were chosen to go through this. Gavin was so loved by so many people and we weren't given as much time as we wanted to show him. I've wondered if this has to happen why doesn't it happen to people who do not want their children anyways, but I've been reminded that if Gavin wouldn't have been ours, he wouldn't have changed us. Today a sweet friend read me Psalm 139 and reminded me that both Gavin and I were created perfect and just the way God intended us to be. I needed this reminder after reading Gavin's autopsy report and reading about all the things that were "wrong" with his little body. You see when you have a premature baby born with many severe problems it is hard to remember that God knew the days set out for him before he was created, that he was fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God knit him in my womb. I have held a lot of guilt and blamed myself for all of Gavin's health problems. My heart is broken and I feel that there will always be a piece missing, but I know that Gavin is perfect now. He doesn't have to fight an uphill battle everyday. My sweet husband is so amazing. He is so rational and logical. He is my rock. Yesterday, I came home from work early because it was one of those days where I couldn't do it. He listened, held me, comforted me, and made me see things more realistically. Something he said to me that has really stuck is that we have a plan and God has a plan, and obviously our plans are not the same, but we have to trust God and know that there is a purpose for this. We are working on something very exciting to help other families in the NICU. I am so excited about it and will share more about it as we get all the kinks and details worked out. Please continue to remember me in your prayers. I could use them. I hope you all have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa