Happy Father's Day!!

Happy Fathers Day to my sweet dad and my amazing husband. Today is one of those firsts that we have to get through and I feel like we are doing a pretty good job today. Today is also Gavin's 6 month birthday. I can't believe that it has already been six months since our sweet little boy came into this world and blessed our lives forever. I still miss him so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but I know that he is better now. I love him so much and I will never forget the short 11 days that I was able to spend with him. But today we are celebrating what an amazing dad Gavin has. Ellis is the most amazing father. He spent everyday of Gavin's life with him and I know that Gavin felt his love. From the time Gavin was born until the time he passed away, his daddy was there. Ellis was the first person that Gavin met. I know he knew from the time he was born that he was loved beyond measure. Ellis went over to Cook's shortly after they took Gavin over because we didn't want him to be there alone. We wanted him to feel the presence of his family and to know that he wasn't alone. There were a few evenings when Ellis stayed late at the hospital by himself so that he could spend some quality time with just Gavin. I am so happy that Ellis did that while he was able to. And one of my very favorite memories about Ellis and Gavin is when Ellis held him and sang to him the day we took Gavin off the ventilator. He sang to him about heaven and showed him the love that he had for him. What an amazing scene to have in my mind of my sweet baby and his amazing daddy.

Today is also the day that I thank God for the amazing dad that I have. My dad has always been there for me my entire life. I have always been a daddy's girl and I still am. Not only is my dad an amazing father, but he is also an amazing grandpa. Gavin was so blessed to know him. In his short little life, Gavin was able to spend time with his grandpa every morning. Gavin's gma and pop would go up to the hospital every morning around 730 and spend time with him and then they would stay the entire day with us at the hospital. I know that Gavin blessed his grandpa's life, but I believe that Gavin was also blessed by his grandpa. I love my dad so much and I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing man as my dad.

I hope everyone enjoys their day.

Love to all,

Melissa

Our 2 Year Anniversary and other randomness!

This week has been a good week for us. Monday was our 2 year anniversary. We had a great day celebrating our life together. We had a picnic at the park where Ellis proposed, went to the movies, walked around the mall, and just enjoyed each other. It was great. I am so blessed to be married to my best friend. I thank God for my awesome husband everyday. I can't imagine going through all that we've been through in the last several months all alone or with someone else. Ellis is so positive and optimistic. He is hopeful when I have no hope. He knows what I need from him without me telling him. He is an amazing person and I am so blessed to have him as my husband. In other news I have been on a diet for the last two weeks and it is going well. Since I've been on it I've lost 3lbs (which isn't a lot), but I've lost 2 inches in my hips and 1.5 inches in my waist. I can now fit into the clothes I wore before I got pregnant with Gavin. That makes me so happy and gives me the encouragement to keep going. I needed to lose weight before I got pregnant with Gavin so I am hoping to keep losing weight and to get in shape. One of the doctor's that I work with has been helping me try to find an immunologist to go see to get tested for autoimmune disorders. I am so thankful to have her help. I am trying to find an immunologist at UT Southwestern because we feel that an academic immunologist will be the most up to date on current research and trends and will be the most beneficial for me to go to if I do indeed have some type of autoimmune disorder. Of course my prayer is that I don't and my goal is to check off the list of things that I need to be tested for and for them all to be negative. As much as I would love to have a specific answer for why this happened to Gavin, I don't want the answer to be that something is wrong with my body. The only two options left are that it was a "fluke" or I have some sort of autoimmune disorder. I'll take the "fluke". I am ready for closure, but realistically that won't happen for awhile. I've learned a lot about patience over the last several months and I don't remember asking for patience (lol), but I should be the most patient person in the world when this whole ordeal is over. Next week Ellis will have a job interview for a prn anesthesia tech position. I am hoping and praying that he gets this position. He really wants it. I have a good feeling about it. He will also be going to summer school this summer too, so he will be busy. I hope you all have a great weekend.

Love to all,
Melissa

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms out there especially my own. I have the most amazing mom in the world. God blessed me with a mom who has always been here for me no matter what. I've seen her unconditional love my entire life. I hope to be a woman like her. I respect my mom so much more after having Gavin for 11 short days. I can only imagine how much stress and worry I caused her. I now know what it's like to worry and want the best for your children. Gavin was so blessed to get to spend time with his grandma every single day during his short 11 days. I know he knew he was loved by her. She spent every morning with him and she loved him so much. She helped me to see him as my precious gift from God. In God's eyes our sweet Gavin was perfect. He was fearfully and wonderfully made. God had a plan for Gavin that was much different from our plan. Although I never wanted my Gavin to suffer, I wish that my sweet Gavin was still here and that we were celebrating Mother's Day the way that most mother's do, but then reality sets in and I remember that we don't get the opportunities that most parents do. Most parents don't have to say goodbye 11 days after they have said hello. I know that Gavin is in Heaven with the only One who could provide him with better care than Ellis and I. Hope you all had a Happy Mother's day.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Diagnosis

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start. We met with Gavin's doctor last week and the diagnosis that they have for Gavin is Chondroplasia Punctata and IPEX Syndrome. The meeting went well, but I have had a few rough days due to the information that we received. I think it would be hard for any mom to read an autopsy report about her son and not be upset. I've read it and studied it and of course there were things in the report that were discovered about Gavin that we did not know before. The doctors are concerned that I could have an autoimmune disorder that I do not know about that could have caused some of Gavin's problems and/or made his problems more severe. This has been hard for me because I have felt guilty. I would have never harmed my sweet Gavin on purpose, but to think that my body could have harmed causing him to have problems his a hard pill to swallow. Yesterday was a very hard day for me. One of the hardest days that I've had in a long time. I was angry and depressed. I don't understand why we were chosen to go through this. Gavin was so loved by so many people and we weren't given as much time as we wanted to show him. I've wondered if this has to happen why doesn't it happen to people who do not want their children anyways, but I've been reminded that if Gavin wouldn't have been ours, he wouldn't have changed us. Today a sweet friend read me Psalm 139 and reminded me that both Gavin and I were created perfect and just the way God intended us to be. I needed this reminder after reading Gavin's autopsy report and reading about all the things that were "wrong" with his little body. You see when you have a premature baby born with many severe problems it is hard to remember that God knew the days set out for him before he was created, that he was fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God knit him in my womb. I have held a lot of guilt and blamed myself for all of Gavin's health problems. My heart is broken and I feel that there will always be a piece missing, but I know that Gavin is perfect now. He doesn't have to fight an uphill battle everyday. My sweet husband is so amazing. He is so rational and logical. He is my rock. Yesterday, I came home from work early because it was one of those days where I couldn't do it. He listened, held me, comforted me, and made me see things more realistically. Something he said to me that has really stuck is that we have a plan and God has a plan, and obviously our plans are not the same, but we have to trust God and know that there is a purpose for this. We are working on something very exciting to help other families in the NICU. I am so excited about it and will share more about it as we get all the kinks and details worked out. Please continue to remember me in your prayers. I could use them. I hope you all have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa

April Happenings!

Hey! I hope you are all doing well. We are doing good. We have been really busy lately, but it has been fun. The weather has been beautiful lately. During the month of April we did Race for the Cure, went to Austin, went to Kathy's for Easter dinner, and spent lots of time with our great friends. Race for the cure was a lot of fun. Ellis, Lisa, and I did it together. We did the 5k and it was great. It is awesome to see women who have fought or are fighting breast cancer out there walking for a cure. We really enjoyed it and the weather was perfect for it. That evening Ellis and I went out to dinner with 3 other couples that are some of our close friends. We had a great time. We ate dinner at PF Changs in downtown Fort Worth and then played pool and darts. It was fun. We discovered that we are not very good at darts, but had fun playing. The next week-end we went to Austin for the week-end to celebrate Lisa's birthday. We had a blast. We hung out, went kayaking, went to the Barton Springs Pool, and on Sunday, Ellis and I went horseback riding with Carol. That was so much fun. We went on a 2 hour ride by a lake and it was beautiful. This past Saturday a huge group of us went over to Dale and Kathy's. We all brought a dish and had an Easter dinner. It was great. After dinner we played Catch Phrase, which is always fun. I'm proud to say my team won both times. I had to work on Easter and it was a rough day. It was rough because I knew from the time that I was pregnant that Easter would be Gavin's first holiday. I had plans of taking him to Church and of course dressing him in a handsome outfit, but unfortunately we didn't get to do that. I cried from the time I woke up until I clocked into work and then became teary eyed several times throughout the day, but I made it through the day at work. I was proud of myself for sticking it out. I was so tempted to call in late, but I felt guilty making someone else work on a Holiday. My sweet husband helped to comfort me before work and then when I worked into the break room at work one of my closest friends could tell I wasn't okay and she was so comforting. I don't know what I would do without my amazing husband and friends. None of this has been easy, but I can't imagine what it would be like if I wasn't married to someone who loves me so much and does whatever he can to help me get through the day. I also have friends who are always there for me. They know that times will be hard and they are there for me when I need them. I am blessed. Today is the day that Ellis and I have been waiting on for four months. We are meeting with Gavin's doctor today to discuss what they have learned about Gavin's diagnosis. I am ready to hear what they know so that we can deal with this part of Gavin too. Please pray for us as I know today could very well be a rough day. I will post soon to let you know what we learn about Gavin today. Enjoy the pictures. Have a great week.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's Due Date

Today is the day that Gavin was due. I think the best way to put today is as one of my best friends did today when she sent a sweet text message to check on me. Today is the day that you waited for for 6 months and the day that you have dreaded for the last 3 months. Oh how true that is. I know most babies are not born on their exact due date, but today signifies the day that Gavin would have been full term and ready for the world and he never made it to this point. He never got a chance at life as a full term baby. I'm saddened when I think and ponder all the what if's, but I know that I can't change what happened. I still know that God chose us for this even if I never understand it. To celebrate Gavin's life today we decided to plant a tree in his honor in our front yard. Kathy and Dale some of our close friends along with Lisa, Ellis, and I went to Home Depot to pick out Gavin's perfect tree. It's beautiful. It's a Bradford Pear tree and is pretty all year long. I love it and I love the memories that it will bring back when I see it. I have attached a few pictures of it. I plan on making copies of these pictures and adding them to Gavin's scrapbook. Please continue to pray for us as today has been a little rough for me. I wish that today I was planning for Gavin's birth, not planting a tree in his memory. I miss him so much and I know that people say that it gets easier, but there still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about and miss my sweet baby. Hope you all enjoy the pictures of our very special tree.

Love to All,

Melissa

Gavin's 3 Month Birthday

I intended to write this post yesterday, but I was way too busy getting ready for our company that we had last night. Yesterday Gavin would have been 3 months old. I can't believe it. I wish I was writing a post to tell everyone that Gavin is 3 months old and that he is getting close to coming home, but unfortunately I will never get to write those type of posts. So instead I've decided that today will be all about Gavin and 3's to represent his 3 month birthday.

My 3 favorite features about Gavin:

1. His adorable nose

2. His cute feet and long toes

3. His left hand that was perfect for holding

My 3 favorite memories about Gavin:

1. Delivering Gavin and hearing him cry for the first and only time

2. Visiting Gavin and holding his left hand everyday. We knew by how hard he squeezed our hand what type of day he was having.

3. Holding Gavin for the first time on Christmas while the nurse changed out his linen. Now that was the best Christmas present ever.

3 Things that Gavin taught me about life:

1. Life is NOT fair

2. God is good ALL the time

3. I am blessed to have the most amazing family and friends in the world. I mean who has friends that come running every time that your son is having a bad day including on Christmas and Christmas Eve just so they can be there for you? or Who has parents (from out of town) that would go up to the hospital every morning at 0730 to be with your son so that you and your husband could get a little more rest and then stay up there with you the whole day?

We are Blessed!

3 ways that Gavin has made me a better nurse:

1. I've realized how important it is to let the mom and dad participate in the care of their baby regardless of how sick he or she is.

2. I've learned to never judge anyone by the choices or decisions that they make for their baby. There were hard choices that Ellis and I were forced to make that no parent should ever have to make.

3. I've learned how important it is to help families make memories because you never know how long they will have with their sweet baby and to always advocate for the patient's that I take care of because they can't advocate for themselves.

3 things that I wish we never had to do but wouldn't trade:

1. Holding our sweet Gavin for the first and last time all at the same time.

2. Saying goodbye and showing Gavin all the love in the world in a few short hours as we held him while he went to be with God.

3. Only getting to spend 11 days with our sweet Gavin.

3 Bible Verses that I've learned to love:

1. Psalm 139

2.Philippians 4:7- And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus.

3.Psalm 50:15- and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me.

*It was really hard for me to choose just 3; there are so many that I've clung to over the last few months.

3 Sayings I now Love:

1.There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on the world.

2. You are who you are for a reason.
Youre part of an intricate plan.
your a precious and perfect unique design,
Called Gods special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
Your just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
and no matter how you may feel,
they were custom designed with Gods plan in mind,
and they bear the masters seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
and God wept that it hurt you so:
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You've been formed by the Masters rod.
You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

3.I don't understand God, but I know God and I know God is good.

And of course I had to include only 3 of my favorite pictures (this was a hard choice)

I could go on and on about things that I've learned and experiences that I've had because of Gavin, but I said in the beginning that I would leave all the categories to 3's. That was much harder than I intended. Gavin taught me more than I could have ever imagined that he would. He was a very special little boy. As hard as it is, I feel blessed to know that God entrusted me and Ellis to take care of him for the few short days he was on this earth. I know we were chosen for him and he was chosen for us long before he was created.

Love to All,

Melissa