Our God Makes No Mistakes

Hope everyone's Monday got off to a good start. I had a rough morning this morning, but my afternoon and evening have been good. I had to go back to my OB for my 6 week appointment. I dreaded going this morning. Usually when I go, I have to wait awhile and there is a room full of pregnant women. Today God was looking out for me. I only had to wait in the waiting room for about 5 minutes and there was only 1 pregnant lady. It was a hurdle to cross, but I did it. This week is a busy week for Ellis and I. We are starting grief counseling on Wednesday and on Thursday we are going to meet with Gavin's doctor. We are hoping to get a diagnosis and some other information from her. Please pray for us this week as we are hoping to get answers regarding Gavin's condition and we are also hoping to find out if this condition is something that would happen again in future pregnancies. One of Gavin's primary nurses and one of my work friends posted a poem on my facebook wall that I would like to share:

You are who you are for a reason.

You're part of an intricate plan.

your a precious and perfect unique design,

Called Gods special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

Your just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

and no matter how you may feel,

they were custom designed with Gods plan in mind,

and they bear the masters seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

and God wept that it hurt you so:

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you'd grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You've been formed by the Masters rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a God!

This poem just reminds me of how great our God is and that He makes NO mistakes. It also reminds me that God chose Ellis and I to be blessed with Gavin. I am not sure why God chose us, but I know there is a purpose and I plan to do great things because of what I have been through and what I've learned from Gavin. It is amazing to me how even after he's gone, I still feel like I learn something new from his short time here almost everyday. Over the weekend the weather was beautiful here. I kept thinking about Gavin and how he has beautiful days everyday. Can you imagine having perfect and beautiful days every single day? He is a lucky guy. He is perfect and healed now. He is with the only One who could care for him better than Ellis and I. We still miss him so much and it's hard to believe that yesterday was one month since my sweet Gavin passed away. Of course it was a hard day, but it is so comforting in knowing that as Christians we don't have to say "goodbye", we get to say "see you later". I know one day I will see my sweet Gavin again. This brings comfort to me, as I continue to work through my feelings and emotions of losing him. Bundle up and stay warm. I know there is bad weather all over the country.

Love to all,

Melissa

I do not understand God, but I know God and I know God is good

I have started doing a Bible study with a close friend called Believing God. We have only been doing the study for two weeks, but so far it has been great. We planned on starting this study before Gavin was born, but Gavin came sooner than we expected. I feel like the timing for this study together has been perfect. I am so excited as I have begun to study the Bible more and try to enhance my knowledge of the Bible and God. I believe that Gavin has brought me closer to my God and I am forever grateful for that. I know that Gavin had a purpose and that in his short eleven days he was able to complete his purpose for his earthly life. The title of this blog has meant so much to me today. I heard this on the video that we watch for our Bible study and it just seemed to fit so perfectly to how I feel. Although I may never have a complete understanding of why Ellis and I were chosen for Gavin, I do know that my God is perfect. Throughout my life so many times I have thought that I have things all figured out, later to find out that I was so far from what was best for me. As the days, months, and years passed I was able to see that Gods plan for me was better than I could have ever imagined for myself. I know that Gods plan for our life is better than either Ellis or I can imagine. I pray that God turns our tragedy of losing our first born into something that will glorify Him. Thank God tonight for the blessings He has given you.

Love to all,

Melissa

Our New Season

When I began this blog, I had no idea how much the title would apply to our life. Since my last post life has changed a lot for us. Our sweet Gavin was born on December 19th. He was 13 weeks early and he weighed 2lbs6oz. We were only able to keep Gavin here with us for 11 days. His short little life was quite the roller coaster for us, but it was a ride that I wish would have lasted longer. On December 30th Gavin passed away while Ellis and I held him. We have been through a lot, but we have also learned a lot. Our sweet Gavin has taught us so much. We have lots of good memories of him, but also wish we had more. A few of my favorite memories are...Gavin holding his left hand out. We would put our finger in his hand and if he was feeling good he would squeeze your finger. We held his hand as much and as long as possible. On Christmas eve which is also Ellis' birthday, Gavin had a rough day, but he was doing better by the evening and the night nurse allowed Ellis to "hold" Gavin while she changed his linen. She also took our first family photo that night. On Christmas night I was able to "hold" Gavin while the same nurse changed his linen and also took a few more pictures for us. The memory that I cherish is being able to hold my sweet Gavin on December 30th prior to taking the breathing tube out. Ellis and I both held him. He opened his eyes a few times and we held his hand as we held him. He seemed so peaceful. This was one of the hardest days of my life, but I have peace knowing that our sweet Gavin was shown lots of love and affection as we said goodbye and he went to be with our Lord. I miss him so much and if it were up to me, I would still have my sweet baby here. We would have the opportunity that most parents take for granted and be able to change Gavin's diaper, pick out his outfit for the day, lay on the couch and snuggle with him, get up in the middle of the night every few hours and feed him, and do whatever we had to do to provide a life full of love for our sweet Gavin. Although I do not understand why we were chosen to go through this, I do know that Gavin has a perfect body right now, that he is peaceful, and that he never suffered. This whole "season" of our life has been extremely difficult, the hardest thing that I have ever went through in my life. I have good moments and bad moments, but I feel like that is normal for someone who has been through what I've been through in the last month. I experience several different emotions everyday ranging from crying, being angry, being sad, questioning why, but I also try to find a reason to smile. I thank God daily for my amazing husband who is my rock. He also has hard times, but he is always here for me and knows how to comfort me. I miss Gavin so much and I feel that a piece of my heart is missing, but I also know that the feelings may always be there. I thank God everyday for the amazing friends that I have. I pray that next time I see someone going through a struggle in life that I will reach out to them the way that they have all reached out to me. I don't think I could have made it through this without them. I am also so thankful that my parents were able to be here with us and with Gavin everyday he was here. They were able to bond with him and to get to know his sweet personality, and they too fell in love with him. They were a great blessing to us as they would get up early and go spend the mornings with Gavin. This allowed us to rest some and to know that someone was there loving on my sweet baby boy. It also pleases me to know that Gavin was able to meet all of his aunts and uncles. My brother was a huge help while he was hear the day of and the few days after Gavin passed away. I am also grateful for the nurses and doctors who cared for and loved Gavin. They provided him with a fair chance at life and did all they could for him. I pray that God will use this tragedy to His benefit. I know this post is long, but I wanted you all to know a little bit about our sweet Gavin. I have attached a few pictures so that you can see our sweet Gavin.

Love to all,

Melissa

MRI Results

We received the results from Gavin's MRI this week. According to the MRI Gavin does have a Dandy Walker variant with borderline ventriculomegally. He has had the borderline ventriculomegally (increased size of ventricles in the brain) since we first saw the perinatologist. I'm thankful that it hasn't worsened. Gavin's brain was otherwise normal in structure. Gavin's spine is normal which means that he does not have a neural tube defect. He has normal lungs and normal eye structures. He does still have the short femurs and humerus' bones in his arms and legs but the doctor does not think that he has a skeletal dysplasia (dwarfism). It was also noted on the MRI that Gavin has extra fluid around his neck and chin and that he has extra fluid in his abdomen. According to the report Gavin could have a bowel obstruction, but the doctor said that this could change because Gavin is still so young. The newest concern is that Gavin has Hydrops. Hydrops is extra fluid/swelling that occurs in the fetus. There are several different causes for this but we are unsure of why he has this. Hydrops can cause babies to be very sick at birth and some do not survive. Right now Gavin's heart size and function is normal which is very important with the Hydrops because the Hydrops can lead to heart failure. The only thing to do regarding the hyrdrops is to watch Gavin very closely with ultrasounds to make sure that it isn't getting worse. If the hydrops were to get severe then Gavin would have to be delivered early. I'm staying positive but I am scared for Gavin. We have an appointment scheduled for January with a neurosurgeon who will look at the ultrasounds and MRI results. Our doctor wants him to be informed about Gavin's Dandy Walker variant and borderine ventriculomegally. Thanks for all the prayers and please continue to pray for us and with us. I will continue to keep you posted as we find out new information. A sweet friend from work sent me a few Bible verses to encourage me as we go through this scary/stressful time. I thought that I would share them with you. Have a great week-end and stay warm.
Philipians 4:4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything but in everything with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding,will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.
Love to All,
Melissa

24 Weeks

24 Weeks

Hope everyone's week is off to a good start. I have worked the last few days, but now I will get to be off for two days. Things have been going well. Today I plan to decorate for Christmas and spend some time with a friend. Tomorrow is our fetal MRI. Please say a special prayer that things will be better than expected. We should get the results by the end of this week or the beginning of next week. On Friday Ellis was able to feel Gavin for the first time. It was exciting for me and for him as I have wanted him to be able to have that experience. I have attached a few pictures that we've taken around our house lately. Enjoy your week. Will post again soon.

Love to All,

Melissa

Philipians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with Thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Thanksgivng!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. We had a great day. I started cooking in the morning and Ellis and I prepared our own Thanksgiving lunch for the two of us. We had a great meal together. Later in the afternoon we went over to Ellis' moms house and spent time with all of Ellis' family. We enjoyed our time over there. We played Phase 10 and enjoyed the company of everyone around us. This year I am especially thankful for a God who hears and answers our prayers, my amazing husband is always there for me, and my wonderful friends and family who continue to amaze me with the care and compassion that they show us each and every day as we go through the scares and struggles of Gavin's health. I am so blessed to have the amazing support system that I have and to know that even in the darkest moments our friends and families are praying for us and our willing to do whatever they can do to help us get through it. I have been off for the last three days and Ellis hasn't had school. We have actually been able to spend a lot of time together which is always great. We love to be together and to actually be able to do things that we enjoy and not have to worry about school or work. The only thing that would have made our Thanksgiving better would have been to be able to see my parents and Gerrit and Rusudan. We look forward to the time when we will see each of them again. I hope you all enjoyed your time together with your family. Remember to take time to thank God for your blessings not only this week but everyday as we have so much to be thankful for.

Love to all,

Melissa

The Latest News on Gavin

Sorry this update is so late. It is hard for me at times to discuss the reality of what is going on with our sweet Gavin. Our last doctor's appointment for Gavin was on 11/18/10. We had a comprehensive ultrasound and the doctor noticed that not only are Gavin's arms and legs short, but so are his ribs. She is very concerned for Gavin. The small amount of good news that we received at our doctor's visit is that Gavin did not have any hydrocephalus. He does still have the Dandy Walker Variation, but it hasn't changed in size. The doctor is perplexed at what is going on with Gavin because he doesn't fit many different syndromes that have some of these characteristics. She is now concerned that Gavin has a form of skeletal dysplasia. We sent off some of my blood even though skeletal dysplasia is usually not genetic and also some amniotic fluid to look for three different types of skeletal dysplasia. If these tests come back negative it just means that Gavin doesn't have any of the three types that the doctor thinks are most likely for him due to our history and his anomalies. It doesn't mean that he doesn't have a different form of skeletal dysplasia. This was a hard doctor's appointment for us as they all seem to be hard lately because our doctor told us that there is a lot about Gavin that we will not know until he is born. This is very scary for us, but we continue to remember that God is control. There will be a plan to have the NICU at his delivery because the doctor is worried about Gavin's airway at delivery. The doctor also found that I have polyhydramnios which is too much amniotic fluid. We will continue to monitor this, as this is something else that could cause problems for Gavin and I. Please continue to pray for us. I do pretty well most of the time, but do have days where I am extremely scared for our sweet Gavin. We continue to pray that God will do more than doctor's could ever imagine for our sweet baby. I know God never gives you more than you can handle, but I lately I have felt that He comes awfully close. I'm very grateful for my amazing husband and wonderful friends and family who have been there for us. I will have an MRI on 12/1/10 to look at Gavin's brain and spinal cord. Please pray that we will get good results from this. We should also get the results from the skeletal dysplasia tests by next Friday. Thanks for all the prays and support.
Love to all,
Melissa